happy birthday to me

he makes me feel beautiful.

slip 'n slide

ash bought a slip n' slide and we set it up in the backyard. kevin took pictures. they're great.

i need my anna

fabulous dawling, just fabulous

today was pretty fabulous. missy took me to marshall fields and we both had our makeup done by lancome's national makeup artist, alex sanchez. missy's friend lois is evidently THE woman for michigan's lancome and got us on the list. a local artist preps you and showed me all these fun toners and moisturizers that i now own and have no idea what to do with. then alex does his magic. i've never been a makeup person and don't use much usually, but this man made my skin look awesome in basically 5 minutes. he used all natural, soft colors and my skin was glowing, my eyes were beautiful, and my lips looked especially pouty. so, of course, missy bought me practically everything, plus some great perfume i liked. and it's all really great product. i nearly fainted after seeing the bill. i feel so spoiled and girly.

afterwards we went out to lunch with lois, alex, and some other girls who were working there and lancome paid. alex is apparently from chicago and told me that i'll really love it there. lois had one of those little phones that clip onto your ear and she'd start talking about random stuff during a conversation and it'd take me a minute to figure out that she had a phone call and wasn't going off on an audible internal tangent.

we picked up the kids from school around 4 and then i got to drive missy's cadillac to the salon to get the kids' hair cut. they nearly killed each other on the way there. i learned something very valuable today. if you take jake's gameboy away, all hell will break loose. and apparently he thinks he's suffocating if the windows aren't rolled immediately down when he gets in the car, but you can't unlock them or he'll stick his entire body out into traffic. we visited coldstone while they finished with dena and then i dropped them all off at the lakehouse and picked up my car.

i'm pooped. but my skin looks good, damnit.

happy day

i'm officially the berlin babysitter this week and will remain so sporatically for the remainder of my michigan residency. i'm a bit nervous about the pubescent one being tossed back into the picture, but hopefully all will go well. i really do love these kids and want to spend more time with them before i move. leah has a dance recital and i have to do her makeup. i hope she isn't horribly disappointed with the results. aren't they just supposed to look like little sluts anyway? so this gives me something to fill my time with, allows me to get closer with my cousins, and puts money in my pocket. and missy's paying for the gas. overall, it's a pretty sweet deal.

my parents ordered me my wishlist off of half.com for my 22nd. the only things that seem to get me excited nowadays are writing, books, music, and men. this present is going to be like an orgasm on christmas morning [i realize that this might seem gross because it's from my parents, but fuck off]. actually, change christmas to chanukah because i get to open each separately as they arrive in the mail. oh the versatility of having one christian and one jewish parent. [if anyone wants to borrow anything, please let me know. i'm all for sharing the book love.]

list is as follows (which came to under $100):

Goodbye Alice in Wonderland - Jewel
This Type of Thinking - Chevelle
We Are Not Alone - Breaking Benjamin
Self-titled - Flyleaf
Color the Small One - Sia

Invitation to a Beheading - Nabokov
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - Dave Eggers
Naked Lunch - William S Burroughs
He's Just Not That into You - Greg Behrendt
Diary - Chuck Palahniuk
Bright Lights, Big City - Jay McInerney
1984 - Orwell
The Flash of Lightning Behind the Mountain - Bukowski
Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Shopgirl - Steve Martin

i'm in the process of quitting smoking [this does not include bar settings, when i'm in the company of friends that smoke, or any place where i'm consuming mass amounts of alcohol] and i want a fucking cigarette.

idea

turqouise and crimson, the new vast album, is scheduled for release on may 30th, which also happens to be my 22nd birthday. *hint, hint*

10 days = 22

kristy's shower turned out really nice. she loved my gift and the whip went over nicely. everyone else got her lame necessary stuff like silverware. she's not having a bachlorette party...where's the crotchless panties? she did get this awesome clock that looked like it came out of the persistence of memory by dali. she seemed really happy with everything. i locked my keys in my saturn in the church parking lot, but it all turned out fine because, apparently, i'm macgyver. i tied my lighter to the end of one of those non-bendable hangers with my hair-tie and was able to hit the lock button [after only 4,000 attempts].

other good stuff: i received a letter from roosevelt today informing me that i have been awarded their graduate scholarship, which only amounts to around $3.000 per year, but i'll take what i can get. it's also renewable, but i have to keep a rolling gpa of 3.8, which seems a bit absurd, but maybe i'll be able to pull it off. any additional help is fine with me.

fancy pants

picked up leah and jake from school yesterday and watched them for the evening at missy's place. i got scolded for putting the dirty non-meat dishes in the meat dishwasher. kevin visited. we played a board game that i sucked at, ordered jerusalem pizza, and watched sky high. overall it was a pleasant experience. i love my aunt's house. my uncle bought this original piece of artwork from a man who studied under chagall. it's huge and amazing and looks just like a chagall piece. i want it.

i'm boycotting victoria's secrets [this does not include vanilla lace]. although they did provide me with a kick ass wedding present for drayer, [i got the whole naughty black lace outfit + an awesome matching whip] that's where the pleasantries ended. i had 3 girls ask me if i wanted to open an account...blah blah blah. i understand the quota thing since i've worked in sales, but i wasn't in the greatest of moods and i had a headache. so when pretty girl #3 started talking, i gave her a look, "listen, i'm shopping for my girlfriend. you have no cup size to accomodate these babies [pointed to chest], so what exactly would be the benefit of opening an account with you today?" dave bought me a vs silk negligee that ended up looking quite nice, but i think that was a fluke. i don't care if they have great underwear. the stupid mannequins with angel wings make me want to scream anyway. i shall seek my naughty undergarments elsewhere from now on.

movie night

spent the day with my sister. as expected, it was wonderful. rented 4 movies for tonight, hit dairy queen, picked up my bridesmaid dress for kristy's wedding and stopped by her apartment to say hello. then we got our nails done at a salon in romeo and picked up salad on the way back. ash convinced me to go pink and now i feel especially girly. my mom is making spaghetti for dinner. once in a while the simplicity of being home leaves me content.

i miss brendan. he needs to start calling earlier so i remember our conversations.

we're always taking applications

i've never been the stereotypical pms-ing, cranky "i need chocolate" type of woman, but today i'm coming dangerously close. i'm going to curl up in front of the tv in my pajamas, blankets, and pillows with a book (so i can have the option of watching hbo, the food network, or reading nabokov), but instead of chocolate i want a pint of wholefruit pineapple sorbet. i don't have any cash and i can't rationalize paying for something that cost 4$ with my debit, so i'm going to have to settle for chocolate ovaltine and cigarettes. my lack of sorbet is probably irritating me a lot more than it should.

i saw thank you for smoking today with mark. good movie. i kept wanting someone to light up, but it never happened. i also sulked around borders because i couldn't convince myself to spend 30$ on a hardcover i wanted. i hate bookstores. i'm going to buy everything offline now...it's cheaper and less torturous. the borders experience was not a complete waste because i think some guy was flirting with me. i use the phrase 'i think' because it seemed completely illogical for this guy to be talking to me. he looked like a hunky model from one of those nauseating abercrombie and fitch ads: tan, ripped jeans, tight t-shirt, gel spiked hair. the only thing out of place was the palahniuk novels in his hand. sorry for stereotyping. he grinned at me as i leafed through anais nin and i probably gave him some confused look. he asked me if i read palahniuk and i told him i recommended lullaby and diary, basically because that's all i've read by him. he commented on the hardcover i was clutching. tall, handsome men shouldn't be able to read. or wear cologne.

...

i will inevitably self-destruct.

home sweet home

my phone is going dead in the kitchen, so it's beeping, which is making my dog spaz out. he's sneezing and snorting and yelping at the same time. i'm pretty sure he's having a doggie anxiety attack.

so i'm back from the prologue of my big city living experience. i'm feeling pretty secure about my future at this point, give or take a few minor speed bumps. alicia and selena are both awesome and so is the apartment and the area it's in. i really couldn't ask for any better placement when moving to an unfamiliar place. maria introduced me to suckers that taste like ice cream, made me lemonade, and has a blind cat that runs into things, so i immediately liked her.

i road the bus and the train by myself and didn't end up in wisconsin, so i'm starting to think i might be able to function enough to get around. corey and i finally shared the same air. i was reunited with my pillow case and learned that he sporatically snores and wakes himself up. i still believe he's either a lie or a bad dream, but so am i. i'm aiming to acquire as many friends as possible. he tells really long stories, so i think i'm going to keep him.

i can see myself becoming a depressed hermit or a thirsty writer who will try any drug that doesn't involve needles. hopefully i'll fall somewhere in a safe place in between.

i'm having dreams lately that i'm confusing with reality. usually this is entertaining for the 5 minutes it takes me to rationalize everything, but i'm still floating around in wonderland. there are entire seconds where i feel like i might be crazy.

everything is right and wrong at the same time. i want to curl up and cry in the shower, but the world of anti-depressants denies me such sweet luxuries.

chi-town

i finished killing yourself to live by chuck klosterman tonight. the way he writes life makes me feel real. the tradegy and inevitable lonliness actually seems comforting. i laughed out loud with him at the silliness of humanity. i'm reading sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs on my train ride tomorrow. god i love books.

some people's awesomeness sneaks up on you and it leaves you with a nice warm feeling. i've decided i like this.

sia

help, i have done it again
i have been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and, the worst part is there's no-one else
to blame

be my friend
hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
i am small
i'm needy
warm me up
and breathe me

ouch i have lost myself again
lost myself and i am nowhere to be found,
yeah i think that i might break
lost myself again and i feel unsafe

be my friend
hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
i am small
i'm needy
warm me up
and breathe me

pictures

Elise forgot to concentrate on the non-drunk face

my birthday girl

bowler hat

i just wanted to stay in bed today. the sun feels good from the window and it was nice under my blanket. i need to get ready for anna's party, but i'm stalling.

i'm frustrated with the lack of spontaneity in my life. i'm craving excitement, something new. doesn't anyone else ever desire to just pack up and go?

birthday girl

good times at the pub. i had a lighter, you didn't have to offer your's every time i took out a cigarette. it was sweet though. i'm too nice. i sang karaoke for the first time in months and brought down the house. too much fun.

it's past 12, so my anna is officially 21. happy birthday my love! you're the cat's pajamas!

beautiful disaster

i've always thought i was such a weak person. now i've come to find that i'm the strong one.

no matter what it was, you could have told me. you still can.
it could have been so...

the graduate

graduation ceremonies are torture, but i'm glad i went. the arena was impressive. maroon and gold are nice colors. the reader pronounced my name cath-ER-yn and it sounded funny. i think i was making a silly face in my photo. don't really feel anymore...whatever it is you're supposed to feel after earning a degree.

5:45p.m. today starts corey time. i might just be a little bit excited.

random meeting

i'm writing on concrete at 2a.m. fucking freezing, but alive. a guy in an abercrombie polo comes zigzagging through the parking lot staring at his toes. he looks up and sees me, pauses, and tries fruitlessly to compose himself. i smile politely in our awkwardness. approaching the sidewalk, he gives me a coy grin and misses the step, stumbles, and lands on his face. i put my pen down and offer my hand. he laughs and i can almost taste the vodka. i think he mumbles a thank you and lingers on my arm for a moment, then trots off, waving his hands like a conductor to a rhythm in his skin.

electric

he's like an orgasm behind my eyes.

good morning

anna's leaving today. i spent last night with her at work until 4a.m. watching shopgirl, which was a quaint little flick. i knew i wouldn't mind being claire danes, but i didn't know i could feel sexually attracted to steve martin. i was feelin' him though. he wouldn't even have to buy me an armani dress.

today i have no tv, no books, and no roommates. just me, my computer, and a big empty house. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with myself. i think i may head to the library, get an iced chai tea latte, and read a book in the sunshine. maybe if i'm feeling saucy later i'll clean my car.

i got an email from eric torgersen this morning: a great poet, head of cmu's creative writing department, and my undergraduate advisor. he was on the committee for appointing graduate assistantships for the english department. he just wanted to know where i was going for grad school, ect., since i had decided to not remain at cmu after not receiving the assistantship. at the end of his email he wrote, "for what it's worth, i wasn't the only one on the committee who felt like they made a big and incomprehensible mistake." this really meant a lot to me.

this morning the scale told me that i've officially lost 25lbs. i expected a little man, maybe jared from subway, to pop out of the screen and congratulate me; maybe join me in a happy dance or tell me that my thighs look thin. instead, the mirror told me that i still have a tummy and my face is too round. so i told it to fuck off and ate some raisin bran.

i'm turning into my mother

ouch

i'm finally done with this stupid institution. oddly, i'm in a crummy mood. i already miss anna and she's only sleeping in the next room. plus, i'm in some pretty bad pain which i haven't experienced since my surgery. i'm hoping it will just go away. i'm not sure what to do if it doesn't.

poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. but, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things. - t.s. eliot

hush

i never say anything worth while. my speech is completely ungraceful. i can lullaby you to sleep, but my words take too much time. and when they come, they take you nowhere and leave you nothing. this frustrates me.

i should be studying

i look like i'm wearing a tarp in my gown. anna and i can literally both fit in it. i think i might have overestimated on the size.

in celebration of finally graduating, i've decided to boycott capitalization. life seems so much simpler.

1 more day

my mom came up today and helped me move out most of my things. i'm left with a desk, bed, toiletries, 2 outfits, and my laptop. the obvious necessities of life. i really loved this townhouse, but now i'm wishing it wasn't so big; cleaning is going to be hell tomorrow. we also found out how cheap the paint was on the walls after i ripped 3 big chunks off after taking down some photos.

i picked up my cap & gown from rose arena this afternoon. they gave me a little medallion that read "magna cum laude honors" on it. i kind of felt like i was cheating the system because i know my gpa is going to drop at least .02 points after this semester. it looks like one of the medals i used to receive for winning the spelling bee in grade school (yes, i was that girl). i'm so fucking special.

i have to memorize about a thousand history terms and 7 essay responses by 10a.m. tomorrow. the chances of that happening are looking bad. think good thoughts.

new start

i've written in my old journal since high school. it feels like the right time to start over. maybe no one will find me here.

everything turned upside down today. i was sitting at work and the realization set in that everything is ending and beginning. i'm an adult. this seemed to come on fast.

i've started boxing everything up. i really need to think about downsizing my life. i have entirely too much material nonsense.

today it felt like everything anna and i did together was going to be the last time. i just want to stop everything and curl up in a ball with her. just keep her close to me so i can know what she's thinking and experiencing. the idea of our lives being so separate just tears at my heart.

the last 4 years of my life have been the best yet. i've been chewed up and spit out, but also held so tight and loved so hard. i've been ugly and beautiful, and also seen the ugly and beautiful. i've hurt and hated myself, but i've grown into someone i'm excited to be. i've had a relationship crumble and now i'm observing another. 4 people died, 2 of them much too young, but 2 beautiful new babies were born as well.

now i'm going on to a new place with new people and new adventures. my home since i was 7 is being sold to a new family with new problems. my little sister is going to get married and have lots of little redheaded babies. sometimes it's as if i'm reading it all on a page about someone else's life.

i've been dwelling on something stupid, which really isn't much of a surprise. on easter, my uncle asked my cousin how his job search was going for a teaching position and where he was looking. asked him how student teaching had went and how he'd liked it. no one asked me shit. i'm graduating from college and moving away and no one said a damn thing. i know i'm the fucked up one and he's always been the handsome football player. i know sometimes i'm kind of opinionated and it might scare you, but i've worked just as hard. i busted my ass to earn this degree and i did it with honors. i know you don't understand me, but that's ok. i love you and i wish you'd take the time to learn more about what's important to me.

i've always been the strange one. i resemble no one intellectually in my family. i'm the one that tried to off herself. the one who feels too much. ever since i was on stage, the little girl with the big voice, i knew i wanted something more. i'm not saying that getting married and starting a family isn't just as wonderful, but i doubt it alone would satisfy me like it will my sister. i want to get married eventually and have kids, but i need to experience life first. there's too much i don't know and too much i haven't done.

it's just frustrating to feel so passionate about something and be so alone with it.

on a side note...i hate two-way nextels. god the beeping. why is it necessary for everyone to hear your entire conversation?