new start

i've written in my old journal since high school. it feels like the right time to start over. maybe no one will find me here.

everything turned upside down today. i was sitting at work and the realization set in that everything is ending and beginning. i'm an adult. this seemed to come on fast.

i've started boxing everything up. i really need to think about downsizing my life. i have entirely too much material nonsense.

today it felt like everything anna and i did together was going to be the last time. i just want to stop everything and curl up in a ball with her. just keep her close to me so i can know what she's thinking and experiencing. the idea of our lives being so separate just tears at my heart.

the last 4 years of my life have been the best yet. i've been chewed up and spit out, but also held so tight and loved so hard. i've been ugly and beautiful, and also seen the ugly and beautiful. i've hurt and hated myself, but i've grown into someone i'm excited to be. i've had a relationship crumble and now i'm observing another. 4 people died, 2 of them much too young, but 2 beautiful new babies were born as well.

now i'm going on to a new place with new people and new adventures. my home since i was 7 is being sold to a new family with new problems. my little sister is going to get married and have lots of little redheaded babies. sometimes it's as if i'm reading it all on a page about someone else's life.

i've been dwelling on something stupid, which really isn't much of a surprise. on easter, my uncle asked my cousin how his job search was going for a teaching position and where he was looking. asked him how student teaching had went and how he'd liked it. no one asked me shit. i'm graduating from college and moving away and no one said a damn thing. i know i'm the fucked up one and he's always been the handsome football player. i know sometimes i'm kind of opinionated and it might scare you, but i've worked just as hard. i busted my ass to earn this degree and i did it with honors. i know you don't understand me, but that's ok. i love you and i wish you'd take the time to learn more about what's important to me.

i've always been the strange one. i resemble no one intellectually in my family. i'm the one that tried to off herself. the one who feels too much. ever since i was on stage, the little girl with the big voice, i knew i wanted something more. i'm not saying that getting married and starting a family isn't just as wonderful, but i doubt it alone would satisfy me like it will my sister. i want to get married eventually and have kids, but i need to experience life first. there's too much i don't know and too much i haven't done.

it's just frustrating to feel so passionate about something and be so alone with it.

on a side note...i hate two-way nextels. god the beeping. why is it necessary for everyone to hear your entire conversation?