rambles + excerpts from written journal

it's a weekday and i should be getting on 75 right now to pick up the kids, but i'm not because i feel like a bunch of angry people with big feet kicked the shit out of me for 10 minutes. i'm achey and my head hurts. sometimes it hurts to breathe. i hate feeling completely unproductive, but i enjoy laziness entirely too much.

kevin and i took toby and some subway to general squier park yesterday and walked the trails. he took photos and i laughed at toby's enthusiasm. we walked down the sled hill and the little guy got lost in the grass, so he started doing this type of frolick move that was too adorable for words. it was a beautiful day. this was confirmed to me when brendan called later on and closed our conversation with something like, "enjoy this gorgeous day." when bren is being positive and enjoying the weather, it must be damn amazing outside.

sometimes i feel guilty and paranoid when i don't answer the phone. why is this? so i don't want to talk to anyone at that moment. isn't that a legitimate excuse? it's as if americans are programmed to think that they must answer the telephone. sometimes constant communication seems so unnecessary.

i've had this very strange desire to go to st. cornelius for mass and receive communion lately. maybe go to confession. that'd be terrifying. i have no doubt that these feelings are the result of my reading seven story mountain. it has made me miss the beauty of catholicism. merton's depiction makes being catholic seem so clean and logical. he explains that catholic mass is the only purely spiritual church experience because it is detached from the self and everyone isn't concerned with what the rest of the congregation is doing. you're there to experience god and receive christ. this really spoke to me because other christian church services seem so shallow sometimes. something about the silence, the discipline, and the long history of catholicism has always spoken to me. all my liberal democratic friends are laughing their asses off at me right now. i don't care.