i look all smart in this shirt...

have i mentioned lately...

that my friends ROCK!?

but trust me on the sunscreen

don't be reckless with other people's hearts. don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

i just heard "the sunscreen song" on the radio at work and am totally happy about this. not so much about the fact that it was immediately followed by christina aguilera's "genie in a bottle".

p.s. sean mcmeans had a baby. this is amazing.

blah

this morning is a reminder on why i shouldn't drink with kat and her friends. ughhhh.

she texted me around 8pm last night and told me she was having a party. i got ready and headed over, seeing as how i've lived in chicago for over 2 months now and haven't seen her yet. drank too much, just like last halloween here. got sick. had fun though.

as if getting sick once wasn't horrible enough, i got to work this morning a bit early and no one was here. felt like my mouth was giving me a sign by over-producing saliva, so i ran over to the caribou nextdoor and got sick over there.

now i have to sit here for 4 hours and feel pooey. i'm supposed to go to the green mill tonight with alisha for the oyez party. hopefully i'll be able to squeeze in a bit of sleep before i have to leave.

i'm a stupid girl. ugh.

yay poems

i had an appt. at mirror, mirror today for a mini-facial and eyebrow waxing. i didn't know they sit there and pop all your blackheads...ow! it is a good thing i don't have money because i would pamper myself all the time and that's just ridiculous. i'd probably just feel wasteful. but mmm...massages.

i was finally able to write something today and i feel really good about it...

The Heroin Muse

She is an Arabian mare on heroin
on the city streets. She’s all alone
and he draws her in her grime-caked shirt
while she searches for a vein in bone
with her works, half-naked in the dirt
of Chicago. She arrives and melts to a grin
within matted hair and pockmarked skin.

She slides down the wall to her concrete bed
as the young man turns to a clean sheet
in his notepad where he outlines her face
in thin strokes of graphite. She’s craving heat
when she awakes and notices the place
where he left his work beside her head;
she is art because she is addict she is dead.

i don't have a title

there was a fire downtown tuesday afternoon. i stepped out onto the sidewalk from work at 4:30 and was met by a strong bonfire smell. i started walking towards school and saw the smoke and helicoptors. by the time i got to the corner of wabash and congress, they had closed the street down and the smoke was getting pretty dense. i'd never seen a fire like that. i went up to the 6^th floor at roosevelt and danny and i went out on the fire escape on wabash. you could see the huge flames coming from the top of the building, which was probably around 10 stories high. i had class at 6, but they evacuated us at 7:20 because the building was getting smokey. i stunk like campfire for the rest of the day. the fact that i am living in a big city has finally begun to sunk in.

my craving for change or excitement wasn't quite quenched by the fire, so i left tuesday night for michigan. i stayed with charles and drove over to mount pleasant wednesday afternoon to see anna. seeing her was more like a tease than anything else. driving back after she had to go to class, my tummy hurt. days aren't enough time for the conversations we need to have, let alone an hour and a half. i did get to spend a bit of time with crissy as well, which was a nice surprise. it seems that she plans on marrying her chubby korean boy. i'm genuinely happy that she found herself a good man.

the fact that i haven't been able to write for a while has just been eating away at me. i'm so busy and strung out most of the time, which is the opposite of what i need to be to write. when i get a bit of time to just relax, i have to do laundry, or i want to socialize a bit, or i just want to chill and watch tv with alisha. i'm beginning to feel like a failing artist, which throws everything off balance, because that's my core...that's why i'm here. i've been reading sexton and nersesian, who have been inspiring, but when i sit down to write something...nothing feels good enough for me, nothing wants to be something more. i'm hoping this is just a phase as i settle into my new arrangements here.

busy & hungry

the theatre admin. building is like a crazy house right now. i've been here since 9:45am (i was supposed to be here at 9:30 but i had to wait until the 4^th o'hare bound el came because there wasn't enough room to squeeze in a mouse). i haven't had a chance to take a lunch break today, so i'm surviving on a couple fat-free fig neutons and tea. being hungry makes me want a cigarette and we can't have that.

i have to re-view a new world and the searchers sometime before saturday because i have to write a paper about how they display the primitivist paradigm. this sucks if you hadn't realized yet.

i'm not happy about the weather lately. the rain makes me feel crummy and i don't think i'm ready for chicago winter. on a happy note though, dennis is recording me lost on his new pimped-out system on wednesdays now.

absent of mind

at work. every time the heat kicks on it startles me. kind of funny actually.

charles is here. well, actually, he's at my apartment probably in my bed right now watching season 2 of lost on my computer. tonight will probably consist of a poetry reading at the green mill or the funky buddha lounge. i'd like to take him to quimby's if i get home quick enough.

my mind has been somewhere else lately. i parked my car yesterday and almost walked away from it unlocked and running. thank god alisha was there to witness my complete and total blondeness. then before work today, i stopped to get gas and locked my keys in my car...again. i was on the phone with my mom and wasn't thinking. luckily, the gas station was attached to an auto repair place and one of the mechanics was nice enough to jimmy it for me. i'm glad i didn't have to call the police again. i'm sure this shit goes on record and they probably start questioning your sanity and ability to operate a motor vehicle after so many episodes.

stupid

my car wouldn't start last night, so dennis and his friend tried to jump it. that didn't work, so i called in to work today and had it towed. the tow guy shows up, hits the gas a few times (yes, i tried this), a big poof of white smoke comes out of the exhaust, and it starts. he takes it away and then the repair place calls and tells me they can't find anything wrong with it. i think the car just wanted to make me look bad for parking it in a tow zone the other morning.

$65 to get the car towed when there was nothing wrong with it. stupid stupid.

grrr

i'm quitting smoking. i'd really like to punch someone in the face right now. everything is bothering me; i spent $75 on groceries this morning, it's snowing before halloween, my hair is still wet, my bed isn't made and i don't feel like fussing with it, and i have to write 2 essays on stupid topics this weekend. oh, and i feel lumpy.

boo

blah...i hate mondays. and i work weekends.

i had to run errands today and carry 2 big packages around the loop, which was fun. then i forgot the payroll at the theatre, so i had to go back and get it, and then take it to the 8th floor at RU. i kept passing this guy holding a tower records sign who kept harrassing me. i believe his exact words were, "i see you boo, lookin' so hot...mmmmm." just...ew. i got all dressed up and pretty today and this asshole will probably be the only one who will notice. next time i'll just put my hair up and skip the eye shadow.

i'm exhausted and tonight is torture class. ugh.

memory

when i was young, maybe 10 or 11, one of my friends would come over on weekends for a sleepover. we would stay awake at night, lying in my big queen sized bed, talking and giggling for hours. we stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars placed on the ceiling above my bed by the people who owned the house before my parents.

i remember one time specifically; i'm not sure which friend it was, most likely kristy or tara. we were laying in bed in the dark and watching the spots on our eyes. you know when you close your eyes for a little while in the dark and then open them and there are those little spots that look almost like balls of floating dust.

we were aware that they really weren't there because we couldn't catch them; they were just a trick our eyes were playing on us. but we found that we saw the same spots and followed them with our hands. i remember we thought it was something special, like we were so close that our eyes saw the same magic spots.

i think i remember this because, during those late hours, i felt that maybe we weren't all as detached as we seem.

update from the land of kitchen cabinetry

i find it interesting that i got a call from human resources on thursday as i was turning into work 10 minutes late even though i called and let my supervisor know i was stuck in traffic at exactly 4pm. today, i get to work early and end up waiting 25 minutes for the 2 designers to open the store while apologizing profusely to a couple who purposely showed up at 12pm in order to get their son to a soccer game on time. i don't think anyone called them. let's pick on the irresponsible college student.

i whine a lot on this thing, but really i've been basically a happy camper lately. i'm busy as hell with work, school, and getting the magazine ready for publishing, but i think i'm handling it all rather well. i still sing really loud while i'm driving to work and smile at people while i'm walking.

i've been spending my sparce amount of free time lately being lazy or hanging out with alisha or dennis. dennis has proved to be a pretty awesome new addition to my life. the fact that he still likes me after i got drunk and puked in his garbage can really speaks volumes. plus, he's funny as hell and the good lord knows i love to giggle.

speaking of vomit, i have acid stomach and i'm not happy about this.

ugh

stirrup pants...

just don't.

bored @ work

i didn't comb my hair this morning or last night after i took a shower and it still looks good today. long, naturally wavy hair has its perks sometimes, at least for us lazy people.

i've realized lately that i don't read books...i devore them. it's actually something i both love and hate about myself. i finished running with scissors by augusten burroughs in less than 4 hours. i read way too fast and i'm always sad when i finish a novel. maybe that's why i've never really liked short stories. they're almost like a tease.

my next book is no man is an island by thomas merton, which happens to be a collection of short essays. i read merton's autobiography a while back in which he chronicles his transition from being an atheist writer in new york to entering a monastery and becoming a trappist monk. i fell in love with the book. i'm hoping these essays can inspire some feeling in me 'cause lately i'm blank.

asshole

i am absolutely revolted by a man walking around in the showroom right now. i'm so angry that i'm writing about it in order to make sure awful obsceneties don't fly out of my mouth in his general direction.

this man is in here with his wife looking for bathroom cabinetry. she seems like a sweet older woman, but he is just awful. i've heard him say something to her twice, quietly, and when she didn't hear him, he responded by repeating himself slowly and loudly like she was a fucking idiot. he has this constant scowl on and doesn't even look at her when they are speaking, as if she's inferior.

usually i tolerate cranky people because everyone is entitled a bad day/week once in a while. but when a man treats his wife like that, my tolerance goes out the window. what a fucking coward. it reminded me of dave so much that i wanted to scream. i can't believe i ever allowed myself to be as pathetic as this woman looks.

sleeeeepy

holy heck i'm tired and my day isn't even half over. i finished season 2 of lost last night. the premiere of season 3 is on tonight. i'm hoping i can get out of class early enough to make the train and get home around 9 to watch it. and then project runway is on at 11pm. i sound like a tv addict, but i swear i'm not. it's only these two shows. ok, and gilmore girls, but i only watch that with anna 'cause it's our thing.

speaking of anna, she finally called me back last night. i miss her so much. i felt like i had so much to tell her, but it was all those little things that happen everyday and i always forget. i'm so used to her being there and knowing every detail of my life that it's weird now that she doesn't. it feels wrong. i'm not worried about it though. she was in europe for months without me and when she came back, we immediately fell back into our old routine.

i took time off today for thanksgiving. i'm excited that i'll get to go home for 4 whole days. i also asked my mom to come down in december to go see a production of the nutcracker by the joffrey ballet with me. it's at the auditorium theatre, where i work. i've never been to a ballet and neither has my mom, so it should be a nice treat for both of us.

if i had a choice to do anything right now, i'd eat some pizza, take a nap, and then write. but i can't 'cause i'm a fecking adult with responsibilities.

i'm a rainbow

sex toy party

oh my goodness.

i smell somewhere between butt bananas and strawberry champagne.
i taste pretty good though.