Sunday, July 30, 2006

surface love is the worst kind of arrogance

Saturday, July 29, 2006

update

went to the chiropractor today and my backs all fucked up from all the reading, writing, and sitting i do. they do some strange stuff to you, but it felt good. now i'm sore and she said tomorrow i'll feel like i spent hours at the gym. she was a really nice young doctor. fun to talk to and she explained everything really well.

i've decided to dread my hair. anna's going to do it as soon as my kit comes in. probably next week or the week after. i'm going to get some bandanas, so hopefully i won't have a problem getting work in chicago because of it. i also plan on getting my tongue repierced. the guy at tribal said he should be able to just stretch the hole out since i had it for so long, but for some reason that sounded worse than just getting it pierced again. i don't know when i'll get that done. depends on the money.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Saturday, July 22, 2006

i'm your puppet

today's ash's graduation party. i finished her scrapbook last night and i'm pretty pleased with it. i have a knack for those sort of things, i guess. i hope people actually look at it 'cause it took me a lot of time and neck pain to put that thing together.

i'm not tired, but i have to wake up early to make the rice noodles for my dish and help set up. i'm also having a hard time putting down my new book, the world according to garp by john irving. he's definitely won me over. i'm now itching to devour all his books.

elise talked me in to riding that stupid bull in a skirt. anna promised me that no one got a glimpse of my nether regions, but i still felt silly. elise went down first and i fell right on her. i gave anna my license and money before i got up there and forgot them. i'm going to have to illegally transport myself over to her place on sunday and retreive them. my crotch hurts from grinding up against my hand that was gripping the strap on the bull's neck. having your vagina be sore for reasons other than sex isn't amusing.

today i felt quiet and content and everyone kept asking me what was wrong.

gregory and the hawk

Thursday, July 20, 2006

summer reading

finished:

the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera
lolita by nabakov
invitation to a beheading by nabakov
a prayer for owen meany by john irving
sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs by chuck klosterman
killing yourself to live by chuck klosterman
love in the time of cholera by gabriel garcia marquez
junkie by william s. burroughs
off the map from crimethInc
naked lunch by william s. burroughs

a heartbreaking work of staggering genius by dave eggers
1984 by orwell
diary by chuck palahniuk
the seven story mountain by thomas merton
the world according to garp by john irving

in progress:

metamorphosis by franz kafka

a bit longer than originally intended

a prayer for owen meany by john irving was a fantastic read. i actually cried at the end. i could relate to a lot of the opinions on religion in the novel.

so many people think that it's easier to just believe in god, believe that everything happens for a reason. that to have faith in something bigger is to be weak, reliant on something/someone else for happiness and comfort rather than on oneself. i don't agree with this at all. to figure out what you believe in based on life and what's inside you is fucking hard. i know a lot of people just say that they believe...and really they believe in nothing. it's just something they were taught...a sort of default acceptance from their upbringing. they try to be honest, good people cause that is what they are supposed to do. i try to be an honest, good, loving person because i know it's the right thing. it's inside me...it's natural...i believe i was made like this. my parents are good people. i'm not saying that they had nothing to do with the way i turned out, but i do believe i did have the choice and sustained the influence of american society towards the negative that everyone else did. i think the majority of people make a choice. there are, of course, acceptions.

i wasn't raised in a religious household. my father calls himself a jew and my mother was raised catholic. it doesn't take a genius to figure out they don't really practice much. it does erase the difficulty of deciding whose family to spend the holidays with though. i don't really feel that i am religious. a more appropriate term in my mind would be spiritual. i connect that term to organized religion, which i have lost faith in over the years. why is it that if someone believes that jesus was the son of god that they must label themselves? and as a quick tangent question...why are their so many christian denominations? wait...i know this one...because man had disagreements and made shit up. i think most people would be confused if i said i believed in jesus but i don't want to label myself a christian. many christians would take it as an insult or approach me negatively. i have come in contact with too many fake people of every religious background to have much faith in the church, ect. i have no problem with people that are highly involved in a specific church, it is simply just not for me. i disagree with too many rules and ideas with each christian denomination to feel comfortable with labeling myself a christian. the word comes with too much baggage (for lack of a better term at the moment). i think it lies within the individual to figure out what they believe in. too many people are programmed and don't explore themselves enough to make a choice. i have more admiration for an atheist who has come to the decision through personal experience than i do for someone who just accepts their religious upbringing.

i make no assumptions about people who do label themselves. each individual is different, therefore each belief/faith/whatever varies. it really bothers me when people have preconceived notions of who a person is by what religion/denomination they say they are. if you don't know the person (and even if you do), don't make assumptions about a label. ask questions. spirituality and faith are interesting topics that will never be exhausted for me. i simply love learning about other people and how they understand and interpret things, what their personal experiences have brought them and what research, if any, they have done to have become who they are. when in a considerably fiesty mood i can talk for hours with people about their beliefs.

people should be less scared and more interested in looking into the hearts of others and discovering new things. so much of humanity is closed off to the unknown. we have such a lack of imagination and faith in what we cannot see and touch when the majority of us have not seen or touched most of what we have rockhard belief in. such a large amount of information that we digest immediately as factual we have not experienced first hand. i refuse to limit myself to what i have seen with my own two eyes because i cannot possibly see and experience everything i wish to in this lifetime. human beings are dishonest and exaggerate. it is in their nature. so i also refuse to believe in everything someone on the television or in the newspaper tells me is truth. creationalism or evolution? don't ask me that...i have no fucking clue. and unless you were there when the whole "beginning-of-the-world" thing happened, you don't either. what my mind and body tells me is truly important for my life is what i will choose to explore and i will try to approach it with a completely open mind and open arms. i will slowly learn truths and falsities throughout my life and hopefully affect each situation, each experience positively. contribute light to darkness, hope to sadness, and be the prompt of many smiles and much laughter.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

ramblings

everyone around me is so angry or sad or frustrated. mainly due to money or feeling alone. except those who are in love. they float around like nothing and everything matters.

do i want this? is it a positive? it's supposed to save me. i'm not sure about that. shouldn't i save myself first? is it within our ability to save ourselves? is it in my ability? maybe i wasn't made like that.

it's hard to be surrounded by marriages that end up with more hate and pain then happiness and comfort. sometimes i think i'd be happy just being surrounded by friends for the rest of my life. a bunch of single creators that are only concerned with themselves, their small circle of loved ones, and a bigger picture. when there are disagreements there is no divorce, no sticking around in a union that reflects nothing that it's supposed to stand for. no requirements but love. if you grow apart, there's no mess, no resentment...just postive memories. i suppose nothing is this pure.

but i'd probably miss the devotion. the feeling special. the "requirements". i miss that now. i try to make the important people in my life feel special and provide them with devotion enough that they would know i'd be there in a phone call. but people don't seem to need me like i need them.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

i miss my photo boy

kevin. net flix. me and you and everyone we know (if you haven't seen it yet) + the blue butterfly.

i think you'd like them both.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

summer heat

i'll be moving on the 28th or 29th, so i'm thinking my goodbye party will be on the 26th, which is the last saturday i'll be in town. i still have to check with anna to see if that weekend is open for her though.

it's too hot outside. ugh. i was thinking about laying out by the pool, but the idea of sweating my ass off doesn't seem very appealing. my book of the week is nabokov's invitation to a beheading which i'll probably finish today. that will conclude my summer reading list a month in advance. i still want to read some irving that anna recommended, so maybe i'll do that after i'm done. i'm still a little bitter that 2 of my books were cancelled off of my half.com order.

Friday, July 14, 2006

mermaids with wings

i have low self-esteem sometimes, but right now, i'm really glad that i've become the woman i am.

i realize college and school in general is not for everyone. it really irks me when people immediately deduct that people who don't persue education after high school are bound to be losers or assume that because i'm going to grad school that this is my mindset. my father has his own business and is a great man and he never graduated high school. dave never finished college and he's doing something he enjoys and is good at. kevin got his ged and he's one of the most intelligent and awesome people i've ever met. he taught himself how to take photos and he's amazing. he's passionate about meaningful things that most people can't extract themselves from their own existance long enough to pay attention to. if i could do something that i love without schooling, i would probably take that path. college costs too fucking much. but i love to learn and i enjoy being a poor college student, so it was a good path for me.

what i don't understand is when people don't allow themselves the chance to grow after the high school segment of their lives. you have to experience new things to allow yourself the chance to become the best person you can be. there's just so much i want to do. i want to get my masters and hopefully one day my phd. i want to travel to so many places. i want to volunteer, build homes for the disadvantaged, experience new cultures, learn about religions. i want to write about everything and discuss everything. i want to take pictures of life and laugh with new laughter. i want to go on road trips with other hungry souls, sit in silence amongst nature's beauty, drive down roads i've never seen, eat food that i've never heard of, and live a life that, when i'm on my death bed, i can look back at and say, "yes, i lived."

doesn't everyone have the inner desire for these things? don't their hearts ache for the new and unimaginable?

i thought i had left the part of my life behind that was about childish bickering and name calling. i guess i was too busy enjoying life with great friends to realize that a large majority of people get stuck and don't care enough to pull themselves out. maybe all they have to hold on to is the past because they don't have the dreams and adventures that i have awaiting me in my future. for the first time in my life i'm not angry or upset by childish drama. it just makes me a little sad and nostalgic, but happy and confident at the same time. and greatful for the friends that i have now who are just caring, compassionate, and special people who i will have by my side during all the awesomeness of the years to come.

i love my girls

me. anna. mechanical bull. oh yes.

$1 gimlets + $2 long island iced teas. mmmm.

morning after too much dance and drink. ugh.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

chicago cares

i just signed up with chicago cares and i'm super excited about it. i get a monthly calendar with events i can sign up for, such as reading to young children from abusive homes, working with adult ESL students, socializing with senior citizens at bingo events, and serving meals to the homeless. i'd really like to do all of them. hopefully i'll be able to stick events in around work and school. there are so many perks to living in the city.

girls night out

anna, elise, and i are heading out to coyote joes tonight. my mother informs me that it's ladies night on thursdays...no cover, $1 drinks, and free bull rides. sometimes it's nice to be a gal. it'll be fun to just hang out with my best girls, dance, and get my drink on. regular clubs kind of scare me, so i'm thinking a country/rock club will be a little less intimidating. i'm pretty sure if you get enough alcohol in anna and i someone will be able to persuade us to ride the bull. this seems absolutely ludicrous sober. i hope someone brings a camera.

kevin and i are going to chi-town on the 25th. i'm excited. i want to show him where i'll be living and walk around and take lots of photos. i think he'll really like it. somewhere in there i'll have to look for a job too. and i'll get to see alicia and selena for a bit when they're back from school and work. it looks like i'll be moving down there permanently around the 28th of august. a little over a month left in dear old michigan.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

quick

i'm reading naked lunch by william s. burroughs and loving it. i've found that i have to read it relatively slow to grasp everything and i still think i'm missing a majority, but it's great. i originally thought i'd just get frustrated but i think you have to be patient sometimes with really great art. if i'm making no sense i don't care.

i was listening to npr yesterday and heard this amazingly sad story. i had to turn it off and just ride in silence for the rest of the ride cause my heart hurt and it felt wrong to enjoy myself.

5 kids, i got the impression that they were all in their teens, drowned the night before last. all were volunteers helping in the area and were taking some time off to relax in a lake. after one stepped off a shallow part into a sink hole, the other 4 went after their friend to save him and also got sucked down. they all died. i immediately thought of my sister and her friends down in virginia on a missions trip. i sat in my car thinking how sad it was...but how beautiful those kids were. they probably didn't think twice. every one of them went after their friend. sometimes humanity shines through all the garbage.

Thursday, July 6, 2006

grrr

i'm sick of everyone being so god damned depressing in this house. my parents have screamed at each other for the last week. my mom cries. my dad wines. they yell at me and ash for no reason. i have to leave the room because they're screaming at each other about money and lying, but it doesn't help. you can hear them everywhere in the fucking house.

i feel like i'm the only sane one in my house that doesn't spend all day with an awful scowl on their face. i just want to scream at the top of my lungs. it's emotionally exhausting to live with these people. it's too hard to try to stay happy. i give up.

frustration

i've realized lately that i have no friends that have similar interests as me. anna shares a few, but not really to a degree where we can talk about stuff. we just have fun together.

i want someone to read my work and be able to give me indepth criticism. maybe it would help with my lack of inspiration lately. i was way more at home with myself and confident at school when i was constantly producing and reading other people's work. i wish i had friends that could give me book recommendations. i want to find someone who appreciates literature as much as me. someone i can have a conversation with about a novel.

it's so frustrating to have the closest people in your life read over your work and say nothing. just the normal, "yeah, it's good" or "i don't get it." i'm confident in myself and what i produce, but it's still nice to be able to share that part of my life with the ones i care about. the ones i believe would provide me with truthful feedback.

it almost makes me feel like my art doesn't matter. who really reads poetry anymore anyways?

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

the 4th

why does everyone care so much about the lives of celebrities? they're just regular people. the only difference is that most people can recognize their face and they have way too much money. so some woman can cry on demand and a guy can throw a football farther than most people...is this something amazing to admire? why is it that these people get so much attention? magazines stack shelves in stores with women's airbrushed bodies plastered on the covers. who cares what angelina and brad's kid looks like?

why don't people find their own families beautiful and interesting? the shit that a large majority of the millions of regular people out there endure is a lot more admirable than what celebrities do.

why is america so obsessed with celebrity life? it amazes me. it disgusts me. don't read a magazine about shit that really has no relevance or watch donald 'i-have-too-much-fucking-money' trump fire some pathetic person who wants to be famous. read a novel, a collection of poems, a zine written by a girl who doesn't shave her legs. learn about yourself and life from other people's art.

gah. people just anger me sometimes.

Sunday, July 2, 2006

free speech is the right to yell 'theater' in a crowded fire.

today


anna's wedding was beautiful. other than it being a tad hot in the church and emma, the flower girl, getting too nervous to walk down the isle, everything went well. i was uncomfortable the entire time because my top was cutting off circulation to the rest of my body, but i survived. elise's stylist did a wonderful job on my hair and it looked really nice. anna looked so gorgeous. kevin came and we discovered that he knew the photographer, anna's uncle gill, which was a nice coincidence.

today kevin and i went to the little cafe in town for breakfast and then walked some of the trails at seven ponds nature center. he helped me learn a bit about how to take pictures with my camera. we saw a beaver. the day was pretty sweet.