i've decided to boycott relationships. life is too complicated with a boy. unless some amazing specimen drops out of the sky into my lap and fulfils my every requirement, i think i'll take a break for a while. i'm too fucking fragile. the only benefit i've gotten from my past several relationships is the drama and pain that fuels my writing. that and having kevin as a close friend. for all who are uninformed...he's the cat's pajamas. artistic fuel is worth it, of course, but i currently have enough drama in my life to suffice. i'm a firm believer in the idea that most people have to be in some sort of physical or mental turmoil to truly create as a writer. this includes just being fucking crazy. i have enough great men in my life to be satisfied. i need a new vibrator.
ashley actually came downstairs and talked to me about what was bothering her last night. this might sound insignificant to most people, but not to me. she keeps everything inside and usually doesn't give me the opportunity to understand what she's going through. before i went downstairs to read, i kissed her on the forehead, told her i loved her, and said if there was anything she wanted to talk about that i'd be right downstairs. 15 minutes later she came down and talked with me. it was great. i think i was able to make her feel better. i felt like i did my duty as a big sister.
ash went to bed around 1:30. i ended up sitting around text messaging bren until 4a.m. and then passed out. tonight i'm going to a lonestar concert with my parents. don't ask me why i consented to this. i'd rather be babysitting the kids. i miss them. but i guess it will be nice to spend some time with my parents as long as they don't fight. i know my dad is going to wear his country boy get-up. i've found that there is something very disturbing about a jewish man in a cowboy hat. after the concert i'm spending the night at elise's because our hair appointment is at 8a.m. tomorrow morning. the wedding starts at 10:30. i'm excited.
it's driving me crazy that our printer isn't working. i want to print off the last few things i need to finish my zine, but i'd have to go and pay someone to do it. and i'm horribly poor.
Friday, June 30, 2006
sick to my stomach
my sister never cries and she's crying right now. i just want to curl up with her and make everything ok.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
zine
kevin told me a while ago that i should make a poetry zine. so yesterday i picked up some supplies and just started thinking up ideas for a cover. afer about 2 hours last night and 3 this morning of straight drawing, i finished it. i'm calling it butterflower. i think it looks pretty sweet actually. i was going to write everything out, but then i realized how crazy that is. i'm also a slight perfectionist, so i think printing it out would be an easier and better way to go. i just have to print and paste now.
i'm always in a better mood during and after i create something. i'm excited about seeing it after it's finished. even if no one else ever sees it, i think i'll feel good about it. it would be nice to get my work out there to different people that might appreciate it and find something within my words that makes them think or feel anything. that's really all i want. i want what i produce to connect with someone, anyone. i'm big on small accomplishments.
i'm always in a better mood during and after i create something. i'm excited about seeing it after it's finished. even if no one else ever sees it, i think i'll feel good about it. it would be nice to get my work out there to different people that might appreciate it and find something within my words that makes them think or feel anything. that's really all i want. i want what i produce to connect with someone, anyone. i'm big on small accomplishments.
it feels early
it feels like i've been smoking too much weed recently. maybe it's just a lot for me. sometimes i think this means i'm depressed. like drinking alone. that might explain my overall lethargic state. usually i don't feel sad though.
my parents had a huge fight last night and then cancelled their divorce. i'm glad i'm moving out.
my crazy side is inching towards the surface lately. yes, i honestly believe i'm a little bit crazy. i wonder if everyone is like this.
my parents had a huge fight last night and then cancelled their divorce. i'm glad i'm moving out.
my crazy side is inching towards the surface lately. yes, i honestly believe i'm a little bit crazy. i wonder if everyone is like this.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
story of my life
the past few days have been eventful. lots of ups and downs. lots of tears. a lot of happiness and a lot of pain.
kristy's wedding was perfect. she looked gorgeous, everything went smoothly, the weather was amazing. the cottages were a lot of fun and the location was just beautiful. we danced to our senior class song together and i caught the bouquet. she seemed to be happy with everything which made me happy. my girl is now someone's wife.
saturday night i made it to anna's bachelorette party around 11:30p.m. elise, anna, and i drank large amounts of alcohol and basically acted like idiots until 6 or 7a.m. we were all stupidly emotional and telling each other how much we love one another the entire time. sometimes the effects of alcohol can be kind of sweet. my leaving made it slightly nostalgic and hard.
after sleeping at anna's apartment for a few hours, i had to get up and head to waterford for the bat mitzvah. on the way there i got stuck behind a crazy woman in a taxi doing 20m.p.h. for 20 minutes. no joke. waterford must have the least amount of 'do not pass' zones in the state due to the lakes. i was not in an ideal state to deal with lame drivers. the party was crazy extravagant as i had imagined it would be. everything seemed to go well and leah looked happy. as at every family function i've ever been to, there was drama, but it didn't escalate to the point of ruining leah's day, which i was happy about.
i slept until 5p.m. the next day, which should give everyone an idea of how exhausted i was. saw the lakehouse with ashley after having dinner together at applebees. it was a nice love story. i wish i could build a house on a lake. contribute to the construction of the building i plan to live my life in. it seems natural.
yesterday i met with mary jo and picked up my bridesmaid dress for the wedding on saturday. then i visited kevin. we got thai food for dinner and went to the park. we did cartwheels in the rain and he took photos. i'm not used to spending so much time outside, but i'm always happy after he convinces me to go. there was a huge rainbow on the drive home. i felt genuinely content for a while.
then things turned sad and i cried. it was hard and i couldn't help feeling like i wasn't good enough anymore. but i didn't want to upset him cause i knew he hurt too. i had been there. so i tried hard to be okay. sometimes i feel like he doesn't talk to me about his feelings so both of our actions and words become fuzzy. i wanted to talk but it was late.
i talked to bren on the drive home. he never takes anything seriously and he made me smile despite things. then i got home and the night was thrown in my face. to share that personal experience like it was some type of art was distasteful and hurt me.
all beautiful things are temporary and fade with time. that's what makes them beautiful. story of my life.
kristy's wedding was perfect. she looked gorgeous, everything went smoothly, the weather was amazing. the cottages were a lot of fun and the location was just beautiful. we danced to our senior class song together and i caught the bouquet. she seemed to be happy with everything which made me happy. my girl is now someone's wife.
saturday night i made it to anna's bachelorette party around 11:30p.m. elise, anna, and i drank large amounts of alcohol and basically acted like idiots until 6 or 7a.m. we were all stupidly emotional and telling each other how much we love one another the entire time. sometimes the effects of alcohol can be kind of sweet. my leaving made it slightly nostalgic and hard.
after sleeping at anna's apartment for a few hours, i had to get up and head to waterford for the bat mitzvah. on the way there i got stuck behind a crazy woman in a taxi doing 20m.p.h. for 20 minutes. no joke. waterford must have the least amount of 'do not pass' zones in the state due to the lakes. i was not in an ideal state to deal with lame drivers. the party was crazy extravagant as i had imagined it would be. everything seemed to go well and leah looked happy. as at every family function i've ever been to, there was drama, but it didn't escalate to the point of ruining leah's day, which i was happy about.
i slept until 5p.m. the next day, which should give everyone an idea of how exhausted i was. saw the lakehouse with ashley after having dinner together at applebees. it was a nice love story. i wish i could build a house on a lake. contribute to the construction of the building i plan to live my life in. it seems natural.
yesterday i met with mary jo and picked up my bridesmaid dress for the wedding on saturday. then i visited kevin. we got thai food for dinner and went to the park. we did cartwheels in the rain and he took photos. i'm not used to spending so much time outside, but i'm always happy after he convinces me to go. there was a huge rainbow on the drive home. i felt genuinely content for a while.
then things turned sad and i cried. it was hard and i couldn't help feeling like i wasn't good enough anymore. but i didn't want to upset him cause i knew he hurt too. i had been there. so i tried hard to be okay. sometimes i feel like he doesn't talk to me about his feelings so both of our actions and words become fuzzy. i wanted to talk but it was late.
i talked to bren on the drive home. he never takes anything seriously and he made me smile despite things. then i got home and the night was thrown in my face. to share that personal experience like it was some type of art was distasteful and hurt me.
all beautiful things are temporary and fade with time. that's what makes them beautiful. story of my life.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
slow down
currently reading: a heartbreaking work of staggering genius by dave eggers
so far a good read.
feeling blank and numb for many unimportant reasons.
so far a good read.
feeling blank and numb for many unimportant reasons.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
happy father's day to my wonderful daddy!
i've been practically living at the lakehouse lately. yesterday i helped missy put together the center peices for the bat mitzvah and the day before that kevin visited for sabbath dinner. missy had to make him special non-meat stuff since we were having matzah ball soup with chicken, lamb, chicken breast, gilfilte fish (i'm voting that ground fish balls with horseradish is the grossest thing meant for consumption ever thought up), ect. jews eat a lot of meat when it's kosher. yesterday we had chopped liver spread during lunch. i opted for chicken salad.
i learned what foie gras was this weekend and was utterly disgusted. i'm not a animal activist or even a vegetarian, but the idea of overfeeding any living thing inorder to kill it and eat it's swollen liver is one of the most disturbing things i've ever heard. billy said they nail the goose's feet down and just force feed it. i'm pretty sure everyone would have to agree that this should be classified as animal cruelty. in my opinion, it doesn't matter if one believes that an animal has a soul or not. as a human being who experiences pain, i could not intentionally hurt any other living thing. how can someone inflict pain on something without feeling awful about it? if i had the means, i'd eat completely kosher. the animals are raised in a humane environment and kosher slaughter is done by a shochet, who is trained to slit the jugular of the animal with an absolute minimum amount of pain and suffering.
i woke up late and i think i'm going to take a berlin family break today. i can put together the 400+ martini glasses and wash them during the week.
i attempted to even out my extremely attractive tan line yesterday. it sort of worked. i think i'm just going to have to deal with the fact that i'm going to be the hick maid of honor at kristy's wedding. the majority of the guests will know me well enough to know i'm an odd girl anyways. they'll most likely assume i could give a rat's ass. to look at the situation positively, i don't have t-shirt farmer lines. i was cautious enough during my outdoor excursions to put on a bathing suit. i just didn't consider the whole strap/strapless dress factor.
kevin came over yesterday after i finished tanning, had just smoked a joint, and got in the pool naked. against my specific request, he immediately started taking photos. i'm sure the water magnified my bulbousness splendidly. then he stole my towel. men are jerks. and they're fucking stupid sometimes (this doesn't apply to kevin though. he's usually quite logical.)
i'm currently reading love in the time of cholera. my one day home without kids to watch or errands to run and it's crummy outside. i really wanted to lay out in the hammock and finish my book. my summer reading list isn't going as fast as usual due to my chaotic life, but hopefully i can get the majority of it done before i move.
it is my educated opinion that people should create more. it's not only a positive thing, but i always feel awesome afterwards.
i learned what foie gras was this weekend and was utterly disgusted. i'm not a animal activist or even a vegetarian, but the idea of overfeeding any living thing inorder to kill it and eat it's swollen liver is one of the most disturbing things i've ever heard. billy said they nail the goose's feet down and just force feed it. i'm pretty sure everyone would have to agree that this should be classified as animal cruelty. in my opinion, it doesn't matter if one believes that an animal has a soul or not. as a human being who experiences pain, i could not intentionally hurt any other living thing. how can someone inflict pain on something without feeling awful about it? if i had the means, i'd eat completely kosher. the animals are raised in a humane environment and kosher slaughter is done by a shochet, who is trained to slit the jugular of the animal with an absolute minimum amount of pain and suffering.
i woke up late and i think i'm going to take a berlin family break today. i can put together the 400+ martini glasses and wash them during the week.
i attempted to even out my extremely attractive tan line yesterday. it sort of worked. i think i'm just going to have to deal with the fact that i'm going to be the hick maid of honor at kristy's wedding. the majority of the guests will know me well enough to know i'm an odd girl anyways. they'll most likely assume i could give a rat's ass. to look at the situation positively, i don't have t-shirt farmer lines. i was cautious enough during my outdoor excursions to put on a bathing suit. i just didn't consider the whole strap/strapless dress factor.
kevin came over yesterday after i finished tanning, had just smoked a joint, and got in the pool naked. against my specific request, he immediately started taking photos. i'm sure the water magnified my bulbousness splendidly. then he stole my towel. men are jerks. and they're fucking stupid sometimes (this doesn't apply to kevin though. he's usually quite logical.)
i'm currently reading love in the time of cholera. my one day home without kids to watch or errands to run and it's crummy outside. i really wanted to lay out in the hammock and finish my book. my summer reading list isn't going as fast as usual due to my chaotic life, but hopefully i can get the majority of it done before i move.
it is my educated opinion that people should create more. it's not only a positive thing, but i always feel awesome afterwards.
Monday, June 12, 2006
rambles + excerpts from written journal
it's a weekday and i should be getting on 75 right now to pick up the kids, but i'm not because i feel like a bunch of angry people with big feet kicked the shit out of me for 10 minutes. i'm achey and my head hurts. sometimes it hurts to breathe. i hate feeling completely unproductive, but i enjoy laziness entirely too much.
kevin and i took toby and some subway to general squier park yesterday and walked the trails. he took photos and i laughed at toby's enthusiasm. we walked down the sled hill and the little guy got lost in the grass, so he started doing this type of frolick move that was too adorable for words. it was a beautiful day. this was confirmed to me when brendan called later on and closed our conversation with something like, "enjoy this gorgeous day." when bren is being positive and enjoying the weather, it must be damn amazing outside.
sometimes i feel guilty and paranoid when i don't answer the phone. why is this? so i don't want to talk to anyone at that moment. isn't that a legitimate excuse? it's as if americans are programmed to think that they must answer the telephone. sometimes constant communication seems so unnecessary.
i've had this very strange desire to go to st. cornelius for mass and receive communion lately. maybe go to confession. that'd be terrifying. i have no doubt that these feelings are the result of my reading seven story mountain. it has made me miss the beauty of catholicism. merton's depiction makes being catholic seem so clean and logical. he explains that catholic mass is the only purely spiritual church experience because it is detached from the self and everyone isn't concerned with what the rest of the congregation is doing. you're there to experience god and receive christ. this really spoke to me because other christian church services seem so shallow sometimes. something about the silence, the discipline, and the long history of catholicism has always spoken to me. all my liberal democratic friends are laughing their asses off at me right now. i don't care.
kevin and i took toby and some subway to general squier park yesterday and walked the trails. he took photos and i laughed at toby's enthusiasm. we walked down the sled hill and the little guy got lost in the grass, so he started doing this type of frolick move that was too adorable for words. it was a beautiful day. this was confirmed to me when brendan called later on and closed our conversation with something like, "enjoy this gorgeous day." when bren is being positive and enjoying the weather, it must be damn amazing outside.
sometimes i feel guilty and paranoid when i don't answer the phone. why is this? so i don't want to talk to anyone at that moment. isn't that a legitimate excuse? it's as if americans are programmed to think that they must answer the telephone. sometimes constant communication seems so unnecessary.
i've had this very strange desire to go to st. cornelius for mass and receive communion lately. maybe go to confession. that'd be terrifying. i have no doubt that these feelings are the result of my reading seven story mountain. it has made me miss the beauty of catholicism. merton's depiction makes being catholic seem so clean and logical. he explains that catholic mass is the only purely spiritual church experience because it is detached from the self and everyone isn't concerned with what the rest of the congregation is doing. you're there to experience god and receive christ. this really spoke to me because other christian church services seem so shallow sometimes. something about the silence, the discipline, and the long history of catholicism has always spoken to me. all my liberal democratic friends are laughing their asses off at me right now. i don't care.
Friday, June 9, 2006
figure skating
went to detroit skate club tonight to see malky skate in the show. she had a solo, which went well, though she missed her axel. i love watching young people doing what they are passionate about. many of the older skaters have been training since they started walking. it's just amazing to me. very beautiful. jake was asking me questions and telling me stories the entire time, but i really enjoyed it. the flintstones' push-up and coke only shut him up for a couple minutes and i wouldn't let him play bejeweled on my phone, so his adhd kicked in around 8. he's too cute to be irritated with for long. i sang the christmas numbers and he sang the chanukah ones, though i did know dreidel dreidel dreidel. we were quite the pair.
Wednesday, June 7, 2006
i must simplify
i'm in a writing funk. everything that comes out sounds like shit to me.
my grad loan didn't quite work out how i'd planned, so now i'm $3,000 short for my yearly budget. i desperately need to find employment in chicago. hopefully i can get down there in early july after all this wedding business is over. alicia should have been born one weekend later and i could go to her party.
i miss my sister and we live in the same house. i'm always at missy's with the kids and i catch glimpses of her as she's heading up to bed when i get home or as she's heading out the door when i get up. i want to take her hostage and make her spend all day with me. soon i'll be hundreds of miles away and it won't be an option. i feel the same way about my parents sometimes. i'll be sitting at the table with them at breakfast and they'll eventually get up and go about with their daily plans. i find myself wishing they'd just sit back down and stay for a little while longer.
kevin makes me happy. especially on sunny days. you know you have someone special in your life when you find yourself grinning alone on long car rides. he makes me want to lay in the sun, take deep breaths, and listen to soft music.
my grad loan didn't quite work out how i'd planned, so now i'm $3,000 short for my yearly budget. i desperately need to find employment in chicago. hopefully i can get down there in early july after all this wedding business is over. alicia should have been born one weekend later and i could go to her party.
i miss my sister and we live in the same house. i'm always at missy's with the kids and i catch glimpses of her as she's heading up to bed when i get home or as she's heading out the door when i get up. i want to take her hostage and make her spend all day with me. soon i'll be hundreds of miles away and it won't be an option. i feel the same way about my parents sometimes. i'll be sitting at the table with them at breakfast and they'll eventually get up and go about with their daily plans. i find myself wishing they'd just sit back down and stay for a little while longer.
kevin makes me happy. especially on sunny days. you know you have someone special in your life when you find yourself grinning alone on long car rides. he makes me want to lay in the sun, take deep breaths, and listen to soft music.
Monday, June 5, 2006
lakehouse
today was nice. mom time + panera...can't go wrong there. kevin came to the lakehouse and hung out with me and the kids. uncle billy took us out on elizabeth lake and i swam a bit with leah. the water was nice considering it was later and the sun was down.
i don't feel much like writing in this thing now, but i want to clear my head before pre-sleep reading. so here is a mini-rant for the time being:
it's frustrating that some people have two homes and some have none. that some people aren't absolutely sure that someone loves them every minute of every day. that some women are so selfconscious about their bodies that they won't let anyone love them. this is a result of many different fucked up factors, but one large contributing one is stupid jerks like comedian jeff foxworthy (who i'm very confused about because he isn't funny). yes i'm not a size 4. no i will not dress according to your fucking "fashion rules". if a girl with a pooch wants to wear a tube top, she damn well should. if i want to wear a tank top without a bra, i will. i could give two shits what your opinion on the matter is. my gorgeous chest and how i handle it is most definitely none of your concern. everyone is beautiful. fuck societal standards that have been invented by chauvinistic males who can't possibly know how to love life. what happened to the image of venus de milo and botticelli? beautiful, robust, soft women with wide childbearing hips and fleshy breasts? women need to stop hating and starving themselves and enjoy life. i'm type 2 diabetic and have pcos. yeah, if i starved myself and exercised excessively, i could probably be a size 4. but i'd also be unhealthy and miserable too. fuck that shit.
i still say q-tips are for ears.
i don't feel much like writing in this thing now, but i want to clear my head before pre-sleep reading. so here is a mini-rant for the time being:
it's frustrating that some people have two homes and some have none. that some people aren't absolutely sure that someone loves them every minute of every day. that some women are so selfconscious about their bodies that they won't let anyone love them. this is a result of many different fucked up factors, but one large contributing one is stupid jerks like comedian jeff foxworthy (who i'm very confused about because he isn't funny). yes i'm not a size 4. no i will not dress according to your fucking "fashion rules". if a girl with a pooch wants to wear a tube top, she damn well should. if i want to wear a tank top without a bra, i will. i could give two shits what your opinion on the matter is. my gorgeous chest and how i handle it is most definitely none of your concern. everyone is beautiful. fuck societal standards that have been invented by chauvinistic males who can't possibly know how to love life. what happened to the image of venus de milo and botticelli? beautiful, robust, soft women with wide childbearing hips and fleshy breasts? women need to stop hating and starving themselves and enjoy life. i'm type 2 diabetic and have pcos. yeah, if i starved myself and exercised excessively, i could probably be a size 4. but i'd also be unhealthy and miserable too. fuck that shit.
i still say q-tips are for ears.
Sunday, June 4, 2006
ashley rae
my beautiful baby sister graduated today. i'm so proud of the young woman she's become. her faith, love for life, and the laughter she brings to everyone is an amazing gift. i'm so thankful for her. it'd be hard for me to say anyone is worthy enough to deserve her, but ryan is and i'm so happy that he's in her life and makes her happy. i can't wait for him to become part of our family.
i'm going to miss her so much when i move away. she's my light.
i'm going to miss her so much when i move away. she's my light.
Saturday, June 3, 2006
kevin
you have the most beautiful soul i've ever known.
i'm so sorry i couldn't love you right now the way you needed me to.
but i still love you.
thank you for making me feel like a beautiful person, inside and out.
it's one of the greatest gifts i've ever received.
i'm so sorry i couldn't love you right now the way you needed me to.
but i still love you.
thank you for making me feel like a beautiful person, inside and out.
it's one of the greatest gifts i've ever received.
Friday, June 2, 2006
it's funny that he broke up with me because i was a "bad influence" or "not christian enough" for him and then i find out he's out stealing stuff and partying. i'm not surprised. hopefully he'll figure out what he wants and who he is eventually.
i got to see my anna today. she took me out for lunch for my birthday at olive garden (mmm...soup, salad, and breaksticks!) and we had some good laughs. i feel refreshed after talking to her. she brought me a present that weighed a ton. it was a photo book from national geographic. the card said "i hope this gives you new ideas to write about." this is a good example of why she's my bestfriend...she's so thoughtful. it was sad driving away. going from seeing each other on a daily basis to once a month isn't easy. i miss her.
kevin's coming over in a few hours and i'm cooking dinner for us and my family. hopefully it won't taste awful and i won't blow up the kitchen or burn the food and/or myself (i.e. french toast) in the process.
i got to see my anna today. she took me out for lunch for my birthday at olive garden (mmm...soup, salad, and breaksticks!) and we had some good laughs. i feel refreshed after talking to her. she brought me a present that weighed a ton. it was a photo book from national geographic. the card said "i hope this gives you new ideas to write about." this is a good example of why she's my bestfriend...she's so thoughtful. it was sad driving away. going from seeing each other on a daily basis to once a month isn't easy. i miss her.
kevin's coming over in a few hours and i'm cooking dinner for us and my family. hopefully it won't taste awful and i won't blow up the kitchen or burn the food and/or myself (i.e. french toast) in the process.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)