quickie

busy busy lately...but i've been lounging a bit too. been snuggling up at night with a book and loving it.

every year, ash, my mom, and i go shopping the day after christmas. this year we were out from 10a.m. until 8p.m. my sister can literally shop 'til she drops. i was exhausted by the end of the day, but had a good time.

ashley cut my hair on christmas and, though she says she thought it looked fine, i thought it looked like a mullet. i got stressed about it for a while, but then went and had someone fix it up. so now my hair is significantly shorter than it's been for a long time. i'm just happy it's only hair and it'll grow back.

tonight i'm going out with my girls to coyote joes. haven't been in a while and it should be a lot of fun. $1 drinks! it means i'll have to drive home friday, probably with a hangover, but i'm willing to make the sacrifice 'cause we always have a blast.

have to get ready to head over to anna's.

a tad longer than expected...

back with the family in michigan. before i left, i saw the nutcracker wednesday night with alisha. we had fabulous seats in the orchestra (for free!). the first half was a little dull, but i really liked the second act. i was impressed with the wardrobe and stage design. the fake falling snow was gorgeous. exchanged gifts with the roomies after the show. i'm really glad the girls are as excited as i am to see wicked in january. it's just too bad it's at the oriental or we would have better seats. working at the auditorium has really gotten me in to the whole theater scene and i'm loving it. i'm pretty sure i'll be getting tickets to see diavolo in march which should be a really great experience. not sure if i'll be seeing too hot to handel: the jazz gospel messiah in january, but i should probably go 'cause i've been involved with so much marketing for it.

stopped by dennis' place before i started home. he got me cranium and i can't wait to have a game night with some of our friends. i need to remember to bring trivia pursuit pop culture home so we have that option too. he also made chocolates with mango curry and coconut for everyone for christmas and, of course, they are super yummy.

finally did some christmas shopping yesterday with charles. leaving in a bit to finish up today with my dad. he actually wanted to spend some time with me, so i'm taking advantage of that. after shopping we're going to meet my mom for dinner.

haven't gotten a hold of anna yet 'cause her phone is broke, but hopefully her and brandon will come over tomorrow and do a little gift exchange with me, elise, and bunk like we usually do. also hoping to get to see amy and mark while i'm home. it's too bad i can't stay for new years, but i'm looking forward to spending it with alisha and nick. we're thinking about going downtown to see the fireworks, which will be a new thing for me. sounds fun and on the inexpensive side, which is definitely a must after christmas shopping.

i think having no snow on the ground is affecting my christmas spirit. maybe i've finally hit the age where it starts to fade. i'm sure ashley will make sure i'm all "merry and bright" on christmas morning. we're having a christmas brunch this year with my family, as opposed to the dinner we usually have with my mom's side. we're doing the dinner + gift exchange on christmas eve so that my uncle's family can be there. they're spending christmas day with my aunt's side. i'm glad i don't have to deal with the "which-side-to-spend-the-holiday-with" war. one of the many perks of being a half-breed.

i desperately need a new book. i finally finished irving's until i find you which was 800+ pages and now i'm bookless again. i'll probably pick one up with my chanukah money while i'm out today. i love staying up late reading in the living room with the christmas tree lit up, curled up with a blanket. i looked through my mom's books last night, but i wasn't desperate enough to read nora roberts. not exactly my cup of tea. i stayed up and watched reruns of miami ink instead. i'd like to pick up gregory maguire's son of a witch, but i already ordered it from half.com earlier this week, so i'll have to find something else. speaking of books and being the nerd that i am, the title for j.k. rowling's final book has been released: harry potter and the deathly hallows. yeah, i'm excited.

hehe

a boy gave me flowers.

vanilla caramel housewarmer

the reading went well last night. i was really impressed with all the talent that we have in our mfa program. all of the poetry, fiction, and non-fiction pieces that were read were very good. both alisha and dennis came to see me read. i have fabulous friends.

i finally heard fiction pieces from both gil and lori, which i enjoyed. michi read a non-fiction that she had written about buying a bike in boston that was really funny. the final reader, who i don't know personally but i guess she's graduating in a week, read a non-fiction piece about how her sister reclaimed the word "porkchop". She included uses such as, "Does this make me look porkchop-y" and "Man, that was a porkchop move." We were all laughing our asses off.

After the reading, Alisha and i took a cab to rockbottom where we both enjoyed a dinner of macaroni 'n cheese. i also got peach sangria that was yummy. other than having to lug the stupid oyez sign all around downtown chicago and the fact that we had to wait quite some time for the blueline on the way home, it was a great evening.

now i'm on page 4 out of 6 on my final paper for this semester. i'm going to feel so great after this paper is done. only then will my winter break actually start.

been busy...

today was pretty productive, considering it's my one day off. i did the monstrous amount of dishes that us girls have neglected for the past few days, cleaned the rest of the kitchen (which was getting funky), took out the garbage (probably had something to do with the funk), cleaned my room, and even vacuumed. then i proofread my section of the final printout of oyez, which goes to print monday.

i think i'm going to be reading 2 of my poems tonight at muse cafe, which is located right off the chicago stop on the blueline. the fall 2006 mfa reading starts at 7p.m. people should come, 'cause we're all pretty sweet.

plus, look how cute i am... don't pretend like you can resist this.

bored work rambles

there's a new designer at kda. i met her this morning for the first time. seemed like a very nice young lady; very professional, well assembled outfit with a perfectly groomed blonde bob. while talking to her, she shared with me that she's married and she and her hubby have their own house with hardwood floors. i later learned that she's 23 and is graduating in a week with a BA in interior design

so yeah, i already have my bachelor's degree and i'm in grad school. but i'm also single, usually unintentionally sloppy in appearance, renting an apartment, and pretty much flat broke. now, don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to sound unhappy with my current situation. it would be ridiculous to whine about being a single writer in her early 20s living in chicago working towards a MFA. i guess it just made me think. what really is the healthiest place to be at this age? i suppose there can't be a ladder rung that every successful life should have reached by now, but ya know.

sloooooow day today. i have now sat for nearly 8 hours on my ass, listening to ridiculously nostalgic christmas music, greeting 1 person on average every 2 hours, and answering 2 phone calls, which both ended up being solicitors on line 7. boring as this might sound, i accomplished a lot. i decided on a final order for my portfolio and wrote my paper detailing its revision and composition process. i wrote the 2 evaluations for my internship and also did my annotated bibliography for hell class. so now i've only 1 paper left before the unofficial completion of my 1st semester of grad school. (unofficial due to the fact that, as part of the oyez marketing team, i still have to assemble on- and off-campus readings for next year.) this final paper is going to consist of many full paragraphs of bullshit.

it's cold. i decidedly do not like cold. i'm all about comfort. pajamas, long skirts, bare-feet, air-conditioning, and blankets are a few of my favorite things. (i'd like to take a minute right now to share with everyone that the beach boys' "lil' saint nick" is a splendid little christmas jingle.) apparently, chicagoland wind really makes a difference, because this place seems significantly colder than michigan. i was really ready to give up the other day; just sit my ass down on the sidewalk and freeze to death on my way to the blueline. ok, so maybe that's a little dramatic, but you get the idea.

i find it interesting that the lemonade i got from jimmy john's has 0% juice in it. doesn't it seem like there should at least be maybe 5% to give it that lemony taste? i'm just a little bit disturbed by this.

update

my back seems to be all better, but now i'm sick with a killer sore throat. if it's not one thing, it's another, i suppose.

found out today that the joffrey is giving the theatre staff free tickets to see their production of the nutcracker, so alisha and i are going to see it december 20^th.

tonight is the aplon reading on campus at the gage building. after he reads from his work, he'll be critiquing poems by the 4 students in the poetry workshop this semester, which includes me. should be interesting.

a woman in the office keeps her cell phone ringer on during work hours. it must be on the highest volume. there are faculty meetings every tuesday at 3p.m. and every tuesday during the hour of the meeting, her phone rings constantly and drives me nuts. the ringer is some intense jingle that sounds like the song from mission impossible. i really want to answer it and say, "she's in a meeting until 4. STOP. CALLING." i think that somehow might be unprofessional though.

dennis and i want to have a board game night but we don't have any cool board games. i have trivia pursuit pop culture at home, but that doesn't help us here. someone should donate to our cause.

my sister and her boyfriend got matching heart tattoos in the crease between their thumb and forefinger. this makes me gag and wish i had a boyfriend at the same time.

boo boo

yesterday i spent the majority of my day in the emergency room. my back had started hurting me the night before and the pain quickly progressed to serious discomfort by around 12/1p.m. i left work and by the time i got off the blue line at division, i was having trouble breathing because it hurt so bad. i had to talk to myself to stay calm enough to make the walk home. by the time i got back to the apartment, i was in tears. i tried to lay down but it made it worse. my mother advised me to go to the emergency room, so i drove myself there alone. i was there around 5 hours.

it was not a nice hospital, but it was the closest. it was freezing and all i had was a sheet and no pillow. no one told me what to do or where to go, so i was wandering around hyperventilating for a good 1/2 hour. when a woman finally came out to see me, she asked if i was having contractions and how far along i was. i was ready to freaking kill her until she explained that someone had called and told her a pregnant girl my age was supposed to come in with shortness of breath and cramping, which is what it looked like i was experiencing.

the doctor just told me i had a knot the size of a tennis ball in my back below my ribcage, which was making it hard for my to breathe. they did x-rays, but didn't find anything else wrong. he gave me a script for motrin and vicodin and sent me home. the vicodin is helping somewhat, but i'm still in mild discomfort constantly. it's really irritating and making it hard for me to sleep.

thank god today is friday.

vagina and kaluha

dennis made me think about how awesome a stuffed animal land would be. then that made me think of this sweet ass movie i saw when i was little that i just adored. i couldn't think of the title, but after 10 minutes of searching everywhere, i found it!

it's called hugga bunch and was released in 1985. it's about a girl who goes through a mirror into another land and is searching for a way to make her grandmother, the only one who knows how to hug, young again. the other land is filled with hugga bunch dolls that are just hilariously adorable. i desperately need to own this movie so if i ever have a little girl, she can watch it over and over again like i did, 'cause it's wonderful.

i just realized how inappropriate the title of this post is when taken into context with the body.

blah

[edit: DELETED...fuck that]

why?

there will always be things in existance that i will question the point of, but one of them will always irk me a little more than most:

toilet paper rollers that don't roll.

seriously. what is the point of this? everyone has experienced it. you sit there, ready to culminate your bathroom experience, and are forced to manually wrap the paper around the cylinder because it won't turn. this is a two handed endeavor because no one wants the material that will soon be coming in contact with their nether regions to touch the floor of a public bathroom. tuck behind, grab from beneath, tuck behind, grab from beneath.

these things are called toilet paper dispensers for a reason. they are supposed to dispense, not just sit there. if that was the point, there could just be a little shelf or something. no roller that doesn't roll.

ok. i'm done.

my lil sister the cosmetologist

ash cutting autumn's hair on thanksgiving

ugh

back in illinois. i'm really really really tired, but i have 2 more hours of work.

yesterday i had an eye exam at royal oak beaumont. my script changed a bit, so i ordered new frames and lenses. they're a lot like the ones i have now, just a darker brown and wider. afterwards, i drove to grand rapids to stay with charles' in order to cut the drive in half. i couldn't see anything for the 1^st hour of the trip because they dilated my pupils. they said it was fine to drive, but it was sunny out and i couldn't see anything.

so this morning i left at 6:45a.m.-ish michigan time and was able to get here at 8:50 illinois time. i must say i timed that quite well. prior to this trip, i had never nodded off before while driving. i nearly re-ended a van. scared the shit out of me enough to wake me up for the 15 minutes i had left to drive. i'm napping when i get home.

anyone know how to make a bookcase, 'cause i would like one for christmas. something simple would be fine, i'm just not skilled at woodwork. i'd attempt it, but that means i'd probably have to use power-tools and that makes me nervous.

a man has been walking around the showroom for 45 minutes on the phone. what makes this strange is the fact that he has hung up multiple times and called different people. at least i'm assuming it's different people or else he keeps getting disconnected, which means he has a shitty cell phone provider because i get perfect service in here. excuse me mister! where not some giant phonebooth for you to walk around in. it's not bad out. why isn't he out in his car or pacing the sidewalk? people are strange.

i wonder how long i could get away with zonking on the granite countertop before pete busts me?

home home home

going out with me mum today. then anna is coming over + amy, christy, bunk, elise, and possibly kristin. ash will be home around 7 and i think joey is coming by as well. i am stupidly excited to spend some serious girl time with my anna. it's always an awesome time when her, elise and i get together, so it should be great.

it's weird being home. i woke up multiple times last night and it took a minute to reorient myself.

i should get ready and go get my oil changed and pick up the ingredients for the cranberry sauce i'm making for thanksgiving. i kinda just want to go back to bed though. sleep is so good.

little sister

when i get frustrated and sad or just annoyed at life and/or people in general...

i remember how amazing my life is sometimes.



this girl is one reason things could never get too bad.
i get to see her tomorrow.

this is my...

...i woke up late and don't want to go to work face.

...

i'm pretty sure the most awful thing any woman can imagine doing is giving birth to a dead child.

kim, a designer that i work with on weekends, has a friend that was pregnant with twins. she lost them 5 months into her pregnancy. yesterday she spent 9 hours giving birth to 2 babies, just to have to say goodbye.

this seems unbearable to me. it seems like the ultimate sadness.

For I Have Sinned

I met a man beneath an island;
a table within a circular booth,
where eyes can avoid committing
and throw hurried glances at faces,
figures in peripheral vision.

Grey Goose, Vermouth, Tanqueray—
glowed down from hierarchal shelving,
contributing to the conversation
and fluid movements of myself
and the immersed sinners around us.

Later I would learn he was predominately water;
with splashes of ethanol,
my vodka sacrament.
That night his wet eyes drank my
blasphemes in like prose on a page.

As one, we visited confession
beneath cotton sheets that concealed our nakedness.
His body swelled, offering forgiveness
after each misdeed I whispered across thread.
Our skin tangled as we swam together
in spiritual devotion.

He became my brimming font;
Dipping myself into him nightly,
his mouth on my body washed away
every blemish. He brought me to the surface
over and over, writhing with penance,
creating me new.

mom

my mother is an extraordinary woman and an amazing mother.
i don't know what i did to deserve her.

prague

i recently applied for the second time to wmu's prague summer program. this is the overview from the website:

The culmination of a decade of cooperation with Prague's Charles University, the Prague Summer Program offers writers, photographers and students of culture from a variety of backgrounds the opportunity to be mentored by some of the biggest names in contemporary English-language literature and world photography, as well as by luminaries of Central European culture. Past faculty and guests have included such literary talents as Ann Beattie, Marvin Bell, Mark Doty, Carolyn Forche, William Gass, Donald Hall, Edward Hirsch, Miroslav Holub, Mary Karr, Tracy Kidder, Carolyn Kizer, Ivan Klima, Sydney Lea, Philip Levine, Valery Martin, William Matthews, Christopher Merrill, Grace Paley, Jayne Anne Phillips, Francine Prose, Gerald Stern, Amy Tan, Jean Valentine, Michael Waters and many others.

The eager novice and the seasoned professional alike are mentored with equal seriousness and respect. For the month of July participants will be members of a unique and vital community of artists and students of art and culture. Unmarked by the wars and brutal occupations it has suffered, Prague is considered by many the most beautiful European city. If indeed Prague has been "the Left Bank of the '90s," as has been asserted in the world media, the Prague Summer Program has contributed significantly to that lofty designation.

this morning i found out i've been accepted and offered their john woods scholarship (this is where i do my happy dance). the aid only makes a small dent in the costs because the program is so awesome, but i think i might just be able to go this time. which i'm not sure how to react to. i've wanted to go since i found out about it 4 years ago.

can't sleep...

last night i finally dragged my ass to jewel and picked up groceries. and i made a ton of stew. then for desert i mixed haagen dazs' vanilla light with pumpkin butter + pieces of a mango. it was marvelous. num num num.

watched an episode of lost with dennis. that show is getting more fucked up every week. i'm sort of over it, sadly. i'm contemplating just waiting until season 3 comes out on dvd and telling dennis he doesn't have to record it for me anymore.

i miss anna a lot. i want to make everything ok for her, which in my imagination includes kicking her pansy-ass husband in the face and/or nuts. i was dreading driving home next tuesday night, but 6 hours in a car isn't so bad when the result is getting to see your best friend. it sounds like amy is going to visit me too, as well as elise and bunk. and of course, ash will be there, with joey probably. can't wait to give them all great big hugs.

i'm reading wicked: the life ands times of the wicked witch of the west by gregory maguire. i suppose i hadn't picked it up until now because i hadn't heard much about it and the whole "other take on an old classic" thing never really drew me in. but now that i've started reading it, i must say it's quite wonderful. after i finish this one, i'm reading 700 sundays, a memoir by billy crystal, followed by john irving's massive (822pg) new novel, until i find you.

i have this awful essay i have to write before break for my makeshift film lit class (that really does not resemble a lit class in any way, shape, or form). i plan on doing it friday and saturday, but i'm trying not to think about it. i hate essays. following this one, i have the final essay due for that class PLUS an annotated bibliography that only the grad students are required to do. i officially loathe interdisciplinary courses. this one in particular is a complete joke. i think a bunch of dumbass important people got together and thought, yeah, why can't we put all these non-relating disciplines together? we'll even make it a grad course as well and just tag on an annotated bib. i got a B+ on my 1st paper. she wrote nothing bad on it except trivial things and when i asked her about the grade, she seemed alarmed. i truly believe she didn't give me an A because a few undergraduates got A's and she had to do something to make grading look more difficult for a graduate student. there seriously was nothing wrong with that paper. apparently she doesn't know i don't do B's. ok, for real, i'm not that arrogant. i'm just annoyed i have to write another paper.

yeah, that would happen

today, while walking from work to roosevelt, a pigeon pooped on me. on my hand and then it ran down my coat. i had nothing to wipe my hand off on, so i had to walk a block with bird poo on me.

ew.

nicest thing - kate nash

all i know is that you're so nice
you're the nicest thing i've seen
i wish that we could give it a go
see if we could be something

i wish i was your favourite girl
i wish you thought i was the reason
you are in the world
i wish i was your favourite smile
i wish the way that i dressed
was your favourite kind of style

i wish you couldn't figure me out
but you'd always wanna know what i was about
i wish you'd hold my hand when i was upset
i wish you'd never forget
the look on my face when we first met

i wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly
'cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see
basically, i wish that you loved me
i wish that you needed me
i wish that you knew when i said two sugars
actually i meant three

i wish that without me your heart would break
i wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
i wish that without me you couldn't eat
i wish i was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

all i know is that you're the nicest
thing i've ever seen
i wish that we could see if we could be something

shenanigans on a granite countertop

for my friend's last night here, we all went to flat-top grill with alisha, who had previously been telling me about how fabulous the place was. as usual, she was right.

first off, i ordered a raspberry malaysian colada, which has officially redefined the word orgasmic for me. as alisha would say, i felt like i needed to be alone with myself after that drink. the food was amazing, though i was a little weirded out about the way the shrimp looked. i kept thinking about the phrase "bugs of the sea". ugh.

after dinner, we all rolled ourselves out to my car and went to blockbuster for a movie. as usual, most of the new stuff was out, but we ended up with american dreamz, with hugh grant and mandy moore. it ended up being pretty entertaining. i'm always down with the whole making-fun-of-america thing. i bet the soundtrack is just hilarious.

favorite quote from the film:

I'm not physically attracted to other people, but if you want me, I'm yours.

comfy bathrobes

^ el natural zombie girl ^
i really do not function well in the morning.

more random than usual

in no way would i consider myself a match maker. i can't even find the right guy for me and i know me...so i don't think there is a chance in hell that i would know who is right for someone else.

this being said, i was thinking about something random today. as all who read my little corner of the internet already know, my friends bunker and elise are here for the weekend. they just celebrated their 3 year anniversary on halloween and i can't picture either one of them without the other. they know, and i know, and everyone else knows, that they will eventually get married and have lots of little bunker babies (frightening, yes...but this doesn't mean i'm not completely excited about it).

so i was thinking about how, if i hadn't introduced them at my halloween party 3 years ago, then there would be slim to no chance that the world would ever have the chance to see little bunker/woolcox babies. and their babies wouldn't have babies and then their babies wouldn't have babies, and so on and so on. so really, i'm responsible for an entire potential pyramid of infinite amounts of babies and they aren't even mine.

i will definitely not take credit for them ending up together, but it does make me smile once in a while when i see them so happy together to think that i had something to do with that happiness.

smile more

i don't know why i'm up this early

i've decided to no longer work thursdays at kda due to the fact that it took me 2 hours yesterday to drive 27 miles to work. i came very close to freaking out in traffic. i'll still be working there on weekends because it usually only takes me 35 minutes and i can handle that. this means i'll have 2 days off in a row...like normal people.

bunk and elise are currently asleep on the futon mattress in the main room. last night they arrived 1/2 an hour late at union station, so around 10:30pm. i love waiting in the arrivals area at the train station. it's so satisfying to watch all types of people waiting impatiently for the their loved ones to arrive. i love the moment when they find the person(s) in the crowd as it exits the train and their faces light up.

we ended up going out for some drinks in wicker park after they dropped their stuff off at my place. i realized that i don't like mojitos, which i'm now going to classify as an old person drink. i hate when bunker is right. i should have trusted his bartender knowledge. after elise and i arrived at our silly stage, we started to head back, but made a pit stop at flash taco around 1:30am. while standing in the taco place trying to figure out what to eat, elise and i eyed swank frank across the street and decided to shoot over there instead. that place is a heart attack. all i can say is...fried twinkies, wth? oh yeah, we did it.

haven't decided what the plans are for today, but i figure we'll just wing it. both dennis and alisha are going to be with us tonight, so whatever we end up doing, it'll be really tough not to have fun.

how did i not know about these?

in inuit legend, the narwhal came to be when a woman holding onto a harpoon was pulled into the ocean. the submerged woman was wrapped around a beluga whale on the other end of the harpoon, and that is how the narwhal was created.

some medieval europeans believed narwhal tusks to be the horns from the legendary unicorn. some believe that noah threw the unicorn off the ark and it evolved into the narwhal.

i'd like to know why they think noah threw the unicorn off the arc. possibly the other animals were jealous and he didn't want to deal with the drama? personally, if god told me to build an arc, gather up 2 of every animal, and sit through a monsoon, i'd probably be a bit testy.

midterm update

since stopping my meds i'm feeling a bit floaty, like i'm in a bubble. and i think i'm having hot flashes.

some new developments lately. lost a friend, but gained 2. i've reconnected with a guy i dated for a bit from cmu, ty. i don't think anyone who reads this will know who he is. hopefully we'll stay in touch for a while. he's a good guy + he makes me laugh. i'll update on new person #2 at a later date. i will say that he was the reason i was all smiles monday night.

dennis is going to see k-fed tonight. i could have actually went if i didn't have class. i'm sure everyone agrees that this is noteworthy. i'm curious to know if anyone actually goes to his shows because they like his music. if so, i'd like to meet these people and crotch punch them.

bunker and elise arrive tomorrow! this is fabulous on many levels.

p.s. mwahahaha. fuck you republicans.

red scarf project

i'm doing this. if you knit or crochet, you should too.

sleepy

i just finished registering for my spring 2007 semester.

ENG 432B: Poetry Writing II - Frank Rogaczewski (Tu 6-8:30pm)
ENG 422: 19^th Century American Women's Fiction: "Scribbling" the Great American Novel - Larry Howe (Tu 2-4:30pm)
ENG 434A: Creative Non-Fiction Writing I - Janet Wondra (W 6-8:30pm)

the only one i'm nervous about is creative non-fiction. it's with janet at least. i figure i can try to do some writing over break and get a feel for the genre. i can see my non-fiction pieces just being really long poems though. i hope i don't suck.

i've had a new revelation...

i'm a very big fan of leggings. nothing like something that allows you to wear skirts in the winter without freezing your toosh off.

look what i found on my old camera...

elise, me, and ashley at anna's wedding

revision

Take the Red Line to Loyola

She blows smoke through matted strands
while the homeless ask if she has a place to stay.
She ignores their grime with only a fidget,
picturing herself at home on a park bench.

It’s late and she knows she’s sweet flesh
propped up against the subway concrete.
She waits for her stranger to retrieve her
and initiate her into this urban world.

Introductions take moments in November—
she follows obediently with quick steps as
he towers over her with a Travolta drag
and the stench of masculinity.

There’s a hello and he hands her a joint.
She’s crossed-legged on the couch just minutes
before he invites her into his room, his mouth,
and his god-like body.

She is woman inside his giant grasp,
terrified under his colossal form.
She needs to rip his body apart—
whisper against fingers and listen to palms

because his desire fulfills her now.
His body is firm and blankets her as she
trembles. For these moments she is beautiful;
In these moments she feels she is lovely.

i miss anna

i've pretty much decided to stop taking my anti-depressants. it just seems very silly at the moment and it takes $20/month out of my pocket. i've stayed on them because i'm nervous about possible side effects, but i'm on the lowest dose possible, so i shouldn't have a problem with weening myself off. i've heard horror stories about effexor withdrawal though, so i want to avoid that.

bunk and elise are visiting this coming weekend. i'm trying to think up some fun stuff that we can all do together while they're here because they will only be around for 2 full days. we always have a great time together, so i'm not really worried about it.

i've had an emotionally rough night and morning. i seldom raise my voice when i'm angry or frustrated, but i did this morning. i know most people that have met me recently probably think the idea of me yelling at someone is a bit silly and frightening at the same time...which i will agree with. i'm not a fan of angry tiffany. she ducked out a while ago and i'm not down with her making new appearances.

so when i'm off work, i just want to chill. i'm not sure with who yet, but i think there will probably be a few takers to choose from. i shall cook dinner, take a relaxing shower, and maybe watch a movie. there is also the option of sitting on the couch with ice cream and watching a bunch of episodes of a tv drama on dvd. or maybe doing poem revisions.

i also need a hug. i'm currently taking offers.

sometimes i'm witty

ty said this was my quote of the day...

i think all writers are just brilliant slow people
unless they suck
then they're just slow

update from the receptionist desk of kda

my mom came in thursday night and yesterday we went to see the kirov ballet at the auditorium theatre. kathy put us in the 1^st upperbox on the left, which was wonderful. i could see right down into the orchestra and it was like we were right above the stage. plus, we got our own little box. i felt like abraham lincoln, but not as important or assassinated.

swam lake was just amazing. there aren't words to describe how beautiful these dancers were...so graceful and exact. the wardrobe was simply gorgeous. the way the principal dancer moved was just like a swan. i'm seriously still in awe right now. i didn't know the human form could move like that.

i hate that someone can basically say anything negative about me and i will automatically get defensive. i've never been a very self-confident person, but lately i'm very much okay and even happy with who i am, but i still react the same because that's what i'm used to. i'm also very sensitive.

it bothers me that someone that is supposed to be a close friend practically accused me of being shallow. this is the second time he's done this actually. last time he said it was because he knew it was something that would hurt me, because i practically define myself by my depth of emotion and open-mindedness. hell...i'm a writer. i've recently had to start moderating what i say to him because it seems like he searches for things to find wrong with me. if anyone can relate to this, it's exhausting and quite honestly, not worth the effort. personally, i think it's pretty shallow to attack someone who doesn't share the exact same views as you or does not approach something the way you do. i have a very diverse group of friends and if i said something everytime they said or did something i didn't agree with completely or would do differently, i wouldn't have any friends left.

phewww...i feel better now. i also just worked on three poems in the past few hours and feel really good about the revisions. now if it was only 5 o'clock and i could go home and cook dinner life would be utterly peachy.

i look all smart in this shirt...

have i mentioned lately...

that my friends ROCK!?

but trust me on the sunscreen

don't be reckless with other people's hearts. don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

i just heard "the sunscreen song" on the radio at work and am totally happy about this. not so much about the fact that it was immediately followed by christina aguilera's "genie in a bottle".

p.s. sean mcmeans had a baby. this is amazing.

blah

this morning is a reminder on why i shouldn't drink with kat and her friends. ughhhh.

she texted me around 8pm last night and told me she was having a party. i got ready and headed over, seeing as how i've lived in chicago for over 2 months now and haven't seen her yet. drank too much, just like last halloween here. got sick. had fun though.

as if getting sick once wasn't horrible enough, i got to work this morning a bit early and no one was here. felt like my mouth was giving me a sign by over-producing saliva, so i ran over to the caribou nextdoor and got sick over there.

now i have to sit here for 4 hours and feel pooey. i'm supposed to go to the green mill tonight with alisha for the oyez party. hopefully i'll be able to squeeze in a bit of sleep before i have to leave.

i'm a stupid girl. ugh.

yay poems

i had an appt. at mirror, mirror today for a mini-facial and eyebrow waxing. i didn't know they sit there and pop all your blackheads...ow! it is a good thing i don't have money because i would pamper myself all the time and that's just ridiculous. i'd probably just feel wasteful. but mmm...massages.

i was finally able to write something today and i feel really good about it...

The Heroin Muse

She is an Arabian mare on heroin
on the city streets. She’s all alone
and he draws her in her grime-caked shirt
while she searches for a vein in bone
with her works, half-naked in the dirt
of Chicago. She arrives and melts to a grin
within matted hair and pockmarked skin.

She slides down the wall to her concrete bed
as the young man turns to a clean sheet
in his notepad where he outlines her face
in thin strokes of graphite. She’s craving heat
when she awakes and notices the place
where he left his work beside her head;
she is art because she is addict she is dead.

i don't have a title

there was a fire downtown tuesday afternoon. i stepped out onto the sidewalk from work at 4:30 and was met by a strong bonfire smell. i started walking towards school and saw the smoke and helicoptors. by the time i got to the corner of wabash and congress, they had closed the street down and the smoke was getting pretty dense. i'd never seen a fire like that. i went up to the 6^th floor at roosevelt and danny and i went out on the fire escape on wabash. you could see the huge flames coming from the top of the building, which was probably around 10 stories high. i had class at 6, but they evacuated us at 7:20 because the building was getting smokey. i stunk like campfire for the rest of the day. the fact that i am living in a big city has finally begun to sunk in.

my craving for change or excitement wasn't quite quenched by the fire, so i left tuesday night for michigan. i stayed with charles and drove over to mount pleasant wednesday afternoon to see anna. seeing her was more like a tease than anything else. driving back after she had to go to class, my tummy hurt. days aren't enough time for the conversations we need to have, let alone an hour and a half. i did get to spend a bit of time with crissy as well, which was a nice surprise. it seems that she plans on marrying her chubby korean boy. i'm genuinely happy that she found herself a good man.

the fact that i haven't been able to write for a while has just been eating away at me. i'm so busy and strung out most of the time, which is the opposite of what i need to be to write. when i get a bit of time to just relax, i have to do laundry, or i want to socialize a bit, or i just want to chill and watch tv with alisha. i'm beginning to feel like a failing artist, which throws everything off balance, because that's my core...that's why i'm here. i've been reading sexton and nersesian, who have been inspiring, but when i sit down to write something...nothing feels good enough for me, nothing wants to be something more. i'm hoping this is just a phase as i settle into my new arrangements here.

busy & hungry

the theatre admin. building is like a crazy house right now. i've been here since 9:45am (i was supposed to be here at 9:30 but i had to wait until the 4^th o'hare bound el came because there wasn't enough room to squeeze in a mouse). i haven't had a chance to take a lunch break today, so i'm surviving on a couple fat-free fig neutons and tea. being hungry makes me want a cigarette and we can't have that.

i have to re-view a new world and the searchers sometime before saturday because i have to write a paper about how they display the primitivist paradigm. this sucks if you hadn't realized yet.

i'm not happy about the weather lately. the rain makes me feel crummy and i don't think i'm ready for chicago winter. on a happy note though, dennis is recording me lost on his new pimped-out system on wednesdays now.

absent of mind

at work. every time the heat kicks on it startles me. kind of funny actually.

charles is here. well, actually, he's at my apartment probably in my bed right now watching season 2 of lost on my computer. tonight will probably consist of a poetry reading at the green mill or the funky buddha lounge. i'd like to take him to quimby's if i get home quick enough.

my mind has been somewhere else lately. i parked my car yesterday and almost walked away from it unlocked and running. thank god alisha was there to witness my complete and total blondeness. then before work today, i stopped to get gas and locked my keys in my car...again. i was on the phone with my mom and wasn't thinking. luckily, the gas station was attached to an auto repair place and one of the mechanics was nice enough to jimmy it for me. i'm glad i didn't have to call the police again. i'm sure this shit goes on record and they probably start questioning your sanity and ability to operate a motor vehicle after so many episodes.

stupid

my car wouldn't start last night, so dennis and his friend tried to jump it. that didn't work, so i called in to work today and had it towed. the tow guy shows up, hits the gas a few times (yes, i tried this), a big poof of white smoke comes out of the exhaust, and it starts. he takes it away and then the repair place calls and tells me they can't find anything wrong with it. i think the car just wanted to make me look bad for parking it in a tow zone the other morning.

$65 to get the car towed when there was nothing wrong with it. stupid stupid.

grrr

i'm quitting smoking. i'd really like to punch someone in the face right now. everything is bothering me; i spent $75 on groceries this morning, it's snowing before halloween, my hair is still wet, my bed isn't made and i don't feel like fussing with it, and i have to write 2 essays on stupid topics this weekend. oh, and i feel lumpy.

boo

blah...i hate mondays. and i work weekends.

i had to run errands today and carry 2 big packages around the loop, which was fun. then i forgot the payroll at the theatre, so i had to go back and get it, and then take it to the 8th floor at RU. i kept passing this guy holding a tower records sign who kept harrassing me. i believe his exact words were, "i see you boo, lookin' so hot...mmmmm." just...ew. i got all dressed up and pretty today and this asshole will probably be the only one who will notice. next time i'll just put my hair up and skip the eye shadow.

i'm exhausted and tonight is torture class. ugh.

memory

when i was young, maybe 10 or 11, one of my friends would come over on weekends for a sleepover. we would stay awake at night, lying in my big queen sized bed, talking and giggling for hours. we stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars placed on the ceiling above my bed by the people who owned the house before my parents.

i remember one time specifically; i'm not sure which friend it was, most likely kristy or tara. we were laying in bed in the dark and watching the spots on our eyes. you know when you close your eyes for a little while in the dark and then open them and there are those little spots that look almost like balls of floating dust.

we were aware that they really weren't there because we couldn't catch them; they were just a trick our eyes were playing on us. but we found that we saw the same spots and followed them with our hands. i remember we thought it was something special, like we were so close that our eyes saw the same magic spots.

i think i remember this because, during those late hours, i felt that maybe we weren't all as detached as we seem.

update from the land of kitchen cabinetry

i find it interesting that i got a call from human resources on thursday as i was turning into work 10 minutes late even though i called and let my supervisor know i was stuck in traffic at exactly 4pm. today, i get to work early and end up waiting 25 minutes for the 2 designers to open the store while apologizing profusely to a couple who purposely showed up at 12pm in order to get their son to a soccer game on time. i don't think anyone called them. let's pick on the irresponsible college student.

i whine a lot on this thing, but really i've been basically a happy camper lately. i'm busy as hell with work, school, and getting the magazine ready for publishing, but i think i'm handling it all rather well. i still sing really loud while i'm driving to work and smile at people while i'm walking.

i've been spending my sparce amount of free time lately being lazy or hanging out with alisha or dennis. dennis has proved to be a pretty awesome new addition to my life. the fact that he still likes me after i got drunk and puked in his garbage can really speaks volumes. plus, he's funny as hell and the good lord knows i love to giggle.

speaking of vomit, i have acid stomach and i'm not happy about this.

ugh

stirrup pants...

just don't.

bored @ work

i didn't comb my hair this morning or last night after i took a shower and it still looks good today. long, naturally wavy hair has its perks sometimes, at least for us lazy people.

i've realized lately that i don't read books...i devore them. it's actually something i both love and hate about myself. i finished running with scissors by augusten burroughs in less than 4 hours. i read way too fast and i'm always sad when i finish a novel. maybe that's why i've never really liked short stories. they're almost like a tease.

my next book is no man is an island by thomas merton, which happens to be a collection of short essays. i read merton's autobiography a while back in which he chronicles his transition from being an atheist writer in new york to entering a monastery and becoming a trappist monk. i fell in love with the book. i'm hoping these essays can inspire some feeling in me 'cause lately i'm blank.

asshole

i am absolutely revolted by a man walking around in the showroom right now. i'm so angry that i'm writing about it in order to make sure awful obsceneties don't fly out of my mouth in his general direction.

this man is in here with his wife looking for bathroom cabinetry. she seems like a sweet older woman, but he is just awful. i've heard him say something to her twice, quietly, and when she didn't hear him, he responded by repeating himself slowly and loudly like she was a fucking idiot. he has this constant scowl on and doesn't even look at her when they are speaking, as if she's inferior.

usually i tolerate cranky people because everyone is entitled a bad day/week once in a while. but when a man treats his wife like that, my tolerance goes out the window. what a fucking coward. it reminded me of dave so much that i wanted to scream. i can't believe i ever allowed myself to be as pathetic as this woman looks.

sleeeeepy

holy heck i'm tired and my day isn't even half over. i finished season 2 of lost last night. the premiere of season 3 is on tonight. i'm hoping i can get out of class early enough to make the train and get home around 9 to watch it. and then project runway is on at 11pm. i sound like a tv addict, but i swear i'm not. it's only these two shows. ok, and gilmore girls, but i only watch that with anna 'cause it's our thing.

speaking of anna, she finally called me back last night. i miss her so much. i felt like i had so much to tell her, but it was all those little things that happen everyday and i always forget. i'm so used to her being there and knowing every detail of my life that it's weird now that she doesn't. it feels wrong. i'm not worried about it though. she was in europe for months without me and when she came back, we immediately fell back into our old routine.

i took time off today for thanksgiving. i'm excited that i'll get to go home for 4 whole days. i also asked my mom to come down in december to go see a production of the nutcracker by the joffrey ballet with me. it's at the auditorium theatre, where i work. i've never been to a ballet and neither has my mom, so it should be a nice treat for both of us.

if i had a choice to do anything right now, i'd eat some pizza, take a nap, and then write. but i can't 'cause i'm a fecking adult with responsibilities.

i'm a rainbow

sex toy party

oh my goodness.

i smell somewhere between butt bananas and strawberry champagne.
i taste pretty good though.

when you are old

when you are old and grey and full of sleep,
and nodding by the fire, take down this book,
and slowly read, and dream of the soft look
your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

how many loved your moments of glad grace,
and loved your beauty with love false or true,
but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
and loved the sorrows of your changing face;

and bending down beside the glowing bars,
murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
and paced upon the mountains overhead
and hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

- yeats

i miss you

i haven't missed home much since i've been here.
but right now...
i want to curl up on a couch with my anna and watch gilmore girls, drink wine, and giggle for hours.

la cocaracha

i locked myself out of my car today at work 'cause i'm fabulous like that. i didn't realize it until i got off, so i had to stand there in the rain and wait for the darien police to come unlock it for me. speaking of fabulous, my chin has broken out for some odd reason and everyday i'm looking more like a pubescent teenager.

my 8 hour shift at work consisted of me getting a large majority of my homework done, which was nice. not sure what i'm going to do with my 4 hours tomorrow. i sit there feeling guilty the whole time because i feel like i should be doing something, but no one has really shown me the ropes yet so i'm pretty much useless.

my family celebrated rosh hashanah today. wish i could have been there.

i smell like mangoes.

books

took a trip to quimby's and myopic books this afternoon. only spent around $23. i wasn't as bad as i thought i'd be. collected for oyez...quimby's sold 8 copies! so i left them 5 more of edition 34.

quimby's has a crimethInc section and i bought off the map! though i've read it, i vowed that i'd own it at one point since i loved it so much and now i do.

also picked up the june 2005 and april 2005 editions of poetry, the spring 1988 edition of the spoon river quarterly, which i'm in the process of submitting to, and hands on stanzas, 2001-2002 anthology of poetry, which is from the poetry center of chicago.

i should eat something and watch john wayne now.

this is now my desktop background...

...how sweet is that?

pearl jam is on the radio

i'm in darien at kda. the full time receptionist left because she's due to have a baby like now, so i'm here killing time until i'm off at 8. the showroom is really nice. i want a house so i can buy some snazzy cabinets.

when i got here, pete, the manager, briefly explained to me about the manufacturers that kda displays. he also ran through info on counter tops, framed and unframed cabinets (european), self-shutting drawers, sinks, types of wood...the list goes on and on. then maria (the nice pregnant lady) showed me what my job will consist of, which appears to be answering phones and greeting customers. there doesn't seem to be much else to it. so for $15/hour, i am required to sit at a desk in an air-conditioned building, answer the occasional phone call, say hi to people, and give them brochures. i'll probably have a lot of time to do homework which makes me a happy camper. too bad it takes over an hour to get here during rush hour.

maria thinks she'll be having the baby any time now, so i might be here alone on saturday. pete said to wing it. kind of makes me nervous. i hope the designers aren't too busy because i won't know answers to customer's questions if they are all with clients.

ya know what's sweet? i just made like $5 typing out this entry.

someone is making me feel sad and they don't even know it.

you're going to be single for a while, buddy

this article made me ashamed to be a CMU alumna. a respectable university would never have published it. its content is not only ignorant and ridiculous, but the writing itself isn't even mediocre. i won't claim to know enough about hilary clinton to say that she should be our next president, but i do know that most of the women i know personally could do a better job at running this country than george dubya. oooh, i'm mad.

chilly

so i was going to work at the broadview location for kda, but apparently now i've been moved to darien. the only good thing about this is that i'll have fridays off now. i was going to take thursdays off, but minnie called me and changed that. i was kind of hoping i could switch it to fridays anyway, so that works out.

i have to go to a poetry reading for one of my classes and write a paper focusing on how i would do spoken word. i'm hoping i can convince dennis to come with me. maybe i'll go to the green mill and see slam poetry.

i just bought a huge bottle of grapefruit juice and didn't notice that it was from concentrate. it's kind of gross.

untitled

i was able to a do a little writing today between work and class while grabbing some tea. not sure if i like it yet or what the title should be.

We are not well in this city;
the sounds hurt,
the colors sting.

There is too much gathered breath.
An untamed numbness settles
as we walk fast,
sending ourselves out for arrival.

We sway together like frightened children,
inhaling the quiet shame of the masses.

flowers in her hair

i want a calla lily.

the end.

adulthood begins in 45 minutes...

i'm lonely.

i haven't been for a while, which, considering my new environment, deserves some recognition. it hasn't escaladed yet into that cold, absent feeling in the chest or caused excessive sleeping, but it's still there just the same. i feel like i'm all alone in my head sometimes.

i feel almost as if i'm clogged (this is not to be confused with constipated, though i suppose that might have been a sufficient adjective taken into context...). my head feels overloaded and sometimes i get that tickle at the back of my throat like i'm going to cry for no reason at all. i'd really just like to talk for hours with anna and watch a thousand episodes of season 6 of gilmore girls.

tomorrow i start work and have ENG 483, which may prove to be the most boring class ever. needless to say, i'm less than stoked.

i wish someone would come lay with me until i fall asleep.

go back to bed

it's 6a.m. and i'm up. why? no idea. i've been a really restless sleeper lately. i'd love nothing more than to just fall deep into dreamless sleep for a night, but that doesn't seem possible at the present time. for some reason i think it might have to do with my lack of physical contact since i've left michigan. hugs and snuggles have a calming effect on me. without my mommy, anna, and charles, i'm lacking in the department.

i feel like i went from kid to adult in 5 seconds flat. i went from having no responsibilities this past summer to having more than i ever have. i know my limits and i'm getting nervous i may have over-stepped them. i suppose that is yet to be seen. deep down i'd really just like to show myself that i can handle it, but i'm afraid my writing will suffer and that bothers me a lot.

i had a fantastical time with ashley. we're all giggles and smiles when we're together and this past week has been no exception. it was also really nice to see my aunt, uncle, and my dad. sometimes i think that i neglect my dad because i'm such a mommy's girl, so it was nice to see just him for this visit. my aunt missy is just too much fun. i love her to pieces. she's the one part of my dad's side of the family that i believe genuinely cares about me and that means a lot. i miss my cousins.

missing people is a strange thing. with some i've noticed that i see things throughout my week that remind me of them and then i think...aww, i miss "insert name of friend/family" here. this type of missing really isn't that bad. the other type is slightly more complex. with other people in my life there seems to be this constant ache. to be completely cliche, i understand why people have associated love with the heart, because it's there; a hollowness in the chest. i have this with anna and my sister mostly. i miss my mom, but in a completely unique way. sometimes it feels like leaving anna came with both types of missing. it's hard to see things everyday that make me smile or laugh or cry and not have her there waiting for me after class or across the hall to share the moments with.

on another completely unrelated note; i met a boy. he's nice.

oyez on myspace

as part of the advertising/publicity group on the oyez staff, i volunteered to make a myspace page for the magazine (not my idea, but i thought it'd be fun to do). i just finished setting it up. i think it's pretty sweet.

http://www.myspace.com/oyezreview

check it out.

today i discovered that quality haircuts are way out of my budget...but i got one anyway. ash and i bought matching hats.

ashley time starts now!

i sat logging in submissions today in the oyez room and thought - this is me. for so long i felt...uncomfortable. like i didn't fit. like i was doing things that i wasn't supposed to be contributing my time to and things that just weren't worthwhile. as i sat there reading poetry, fiction, and non-fiction from writers; men and women, both young and old from all over the country, i felt more complete than i ever have.

my little sister is arriving at union station today at 11:14am! this makes me very happy. she's my sunshine.

lalala

new musical obsession = the fray.

i desire more usb access on my imac. also, i love my mighty mouse, but i can't play wow with it. the scroll ball is a bit fidgety as well. these are my only apple complaints. so far it's pretty and i love it.

i always want to call and talk to people when it's too bloody late in michigan. i've noticed lately that i only call my mum. (i also think I've been watching dominic monaghan too much on lost because i'm speaking like an englishman.) i'm usually the one who calls people. i'm not sure why this is. it's almost as if i'm a different person here. i'm no longer needy or lonely, which were both pretty dominant characteristics of my personality before. well...i'm still a bit needy, that's just who i am, but not so severely, i suppose. i'm just a lot more independent here. i like this.

bored. going to read a widow for one year and hopefully zonk out.

oh yay

went flyering today for the review even though it's rainy and gross out. covered about 2 miles on division. i was surprised at how many places are happy to put up a flyer for you.

when i got back there was a snail in front of the apartment door. he had a shell and everything. i've never seen a snail away from a water source. i moved it out of the way so no one would tread on it. he looked lost.

i remember

i noticed today that when i grin, the sides of my lips turn down.

i don't think i like this.

grrr

boone dies?! that makes no fucking sense. why the hell would they kill him off? he's tortured his short life by his stuck up step-sister who he's in love with (why, i have no idea) and then survives a plane crash, only to be killed in another one filled with statues of the virgin mary stuffed with heroin. oooooh...this angers me. fuck fuck fuck.

employed

i got a job! i was hired today by kda (kitchen distributors of america) as a receptionist/sales assistant at their broadview location. my starting wage is $15/hour, which is more than twice what i made at my last job. i'll be working there part-time, thursday - sunday. fabulous.

it's really not so bad

i miss home. i miss my sister. i even wouldn't mind seeing toby.

charles will be here tonight. this makes things better.

RIP drama queen

walked 2 unnecessary miles south on wabash today. suck. finally made it to my interview late looking like death, but the lady was understanding due to my newbie status. rocked the computer test segment. non-work study interview tomorrow which would be really nice to get.

sweet jazz saxaphonist in the jackson station on the blue line. first ever grad class tonight at 6: internship on the oyez review.

over my head

i adore my apartment and i love this city.

i went a little crazy and downloaded around 100 songs today. so my next day out will have a soundtrack with my cute little black ipod nano (holy adjectives!). i'm thinking about going downtown tomorrow and doing some writing. maybe i'll find a nice cafe i like.

i miss my sister and anna + i need a job. other than that, life is pretty peachy at the moment.

woohoo

i have an imac. and an ipod. they are beautiful. i feel disgustingly materialistic right now.

i also don't know how to change the font in blogger on a mac. so this is what ya get.

super freak

go see little miss sunshine and laugh your ass off like a crazy person.

my mum and dad will be here tomorrow. that's pretty wonderful.

a lot of waiting

interviewed with roosevelt's history, art history, & philosphy department today. i'd get my own desk and paper shredder. you don't get sweller than that. the director seemed to like me a lot, so i'm hoping she'll get back to me soon. my second interview is tomorrow at 9:30am with the counseling department. i'm applying to be a peer advocate. i'll only be able to work 17hours in the work study program, but it'll be something to hold me over until i can find another part-time job.

i was just on the blue line for what seemed like hours. we stopped at the 2 stops before division and sat there for nearly 30mins each time while orange vested cta workers kept sprinting back and forth along the cars. the intercom kept shouting for passengers to stay on the train. it wouldn't have been so bad if the thing wasn't packed to the breaking point. there was this smarmy old man with stinky breath leaning over me and i kept catching him staring down my shirt in the reflection in the window. the young guy sitting next to me was clutching his laptop for dear life and kept scooting over each time he relaxed his leg and our thighs touched. i felt like i had cooties.

it's looking like i'm going to get an imac on saturday and this makes me very happy.

chicago

had a productive day today. opened a bank account and went grocery shopping. carrying groceries home on foot isn't fun. went to roosevelt and got my ruID and my Upass. the pictures for both are awful. one looks nothing like me because they had me take my glasses off and the other is in mid-smile so i look like a stroke victim. oh well.

orientation was great. it made me feel very confident about my choice. met janet wondra, my advisor and instructor for 2 of my classes this fall. i liked her immediately. talked to financial aid and found out i don't qualify for work study, but the super sweet little asian lady who helped me said she'd squeeze me in since i was so near the cut off. so that opens up a few more jobs for me which i'm going to apply for tomorrow.

so now i just have to straighten out my computer ordeal and find work so i'm not sitting on my ass all the time.

moving day

today is the day. my car is almost packed and i'm leaving this evening. staying the night in grand rapids with charles to cut the trip in half. then i'll be leaving in the morning tomorrow for chicago. orientation is wednesday and then i'll be job searching until classes start on the 6^th. i'm ordering a new desktop computer and printer, which will hopefully be delivered around the time school starts.

the party last night was fun. we had about 12-15 people over at one point. i'm so happy everyone came and i got to see them all before i left. a cop showed up around midnight, but anna and joey just had to get their cars out of the street. i guess he was a real ass, but didn't ask too many questions. it would have been bad if he came up to the house. saying goodbye to anna this morning was the hardest part. i'm having dinner with my mom and ash tonight and then heading out.

my tummy freaks out when i get stressed and nervous, but i'm excited and ready to just get settled and start school. and that's about it. goodbye michigan, hello illinois.

quickie

last couple of days have been fun. monday i spent with my anna, went shopping and out to eat. went to the ghetto mall on dort hwy. then we decided to make a night of it and elise came over. for the first hour we tried to get my new lip ring in with plyers. it was bad and unsuccessful. we played apples to apples for hours, drank wine, watched movies, and made cheesecake. brandon came home from work and we all stayed up until around 5a.m. yesterday i had a mum day. went shopping for a friend of hers and ate at famous daves in davison. bought a smaller lip ring and had them put it in. took 5 minutes. this morning i went out for breakfast with ash and joey. i need to start packing, but first i think i'm going to read for a bit. looking forward to sunday and seeing everyone.

lalala

ministers who come to your door are a bit scary. i was entirely unpresentable, but i didn't want to be rude. he asked me if i knew the meek shall inherit the earth and i didn't understand where he was going. i'm assuming he was a jehovas witness. i'm not a great christian, but i know i love the Lord and the Lord loves me. i'm sorry, but i'm really not interested in your materials.

doing something with elise and anna today. i'd like to get my oil changed, hair cut, and pick up a new lip ring, but i'm broke. i also have no gas. not sure how i'm going to wing this. i don't like money.

mmmm...paul bettany.

that's it

life fucks you sometimes. but when it keeps fucking you over and over again, you have to start thinking...i'm doing something wrong here. no one digs themselves deep enough to be buried alive. you can always climb out.

depression isn't a lifestyle. get over it. fuck!

drunken reunion

last night was a mini-dryden reunion at coyote joe's + anna, which made it extra wonderful. amy was hammered and hilarious. ash showed up after she got off work to pick us up and amy just dragged her over to the stamp lady and she stamped her hand without even looking at her. she didn't drink, of course, since she was still our DD. we had a sisterly bull ride together. i was wearing a skirt again and ash landed on it when we fell off and i flashed everyone my red skibbies. we all tried to learn a few line dances while they were in progress. i kept going the wrong direction and bumping into kristen who just laughed her ass off at me. bores and meg were there too. and lindsay for a bit, but i never knew her very well. i was able to have a drunken reconciliation with meagan, which i feel good about. alcohol can be productive sometimes.

anna just left. we both felt a little sick at the fact that i only have a week or so left in michigan. i'm trying to not think about it and just enjoy each day as it comes. i know i'm going to be a wreck the first week or so, missing my girls, but i'll have my new roommates. i get the feeling that alicia will be good company during the transition.

ridiculous

reason #472 why i'm very much a girl...

i slid a raft off the deck of the pool to sunbath on and flipped it over to clean it off. i looked down, without my glasses on, and saw a little green thing by my leg. it kind of looked like it was swimming. seconds before i realized it was a frog, chaos broke out. i grabbed for the skimmer and flung the thing about 6 feet in the air while screaming hysterically. heather heard me over the lawnmower next door. it took me another minute after scrambling up the ladder to do the gross out dance before i calmed down.

poor little frog.

come swim with me

...it's beautiful out today.

welcome to my life / part 2

it's amazing how someone can give you a smile that seems like it might explode right off your face and then make you feel like curling up in a ball and sleeping for a day, all within a 24 hour period.





well, fuck that.

welcome to my life

rode almost all the rides last night at the fair except that one that spins around really fast while you stand up and are held in by nothing but a thin chain and gravity. it's not that i don't trust gravity. i don't trust that the machine won't breakdown while i'm up on top and i'll be stuck dangling by only a thin piece of linked metal.

we rode what i think was called the fire ball, which is this rollercoaster type thing where you sit harnessed in (i usually trust a harness) and go upside down. ash had this wonderful idea of sitting across from me and so we were dangling upside down laughing hysterically at each other with this kid next to her who probably thought we were crazy. we rode the pirate ship thing first and i didn't do too well on it. i had my eyes closed the whole time and i'm sure the little kids across from me thought i was pretty funny. ran into tara by the bump & run cars (which i don't get). reagan has gotten so big and she's just gorgeous. tara moved to a place on hosner and she's currently not working, so i'm planning on getting over there and visiting before i leave and meeting her fiance. it's a bit crazy to think we've been friends for 16 years.

we're dog watching cuddles for my grandma and the little rat whines ALL THE TIME. it's driving me nuts, but she's so old and shakes constantly so it's impossible not to take pity on her. she'll curl up in a ball on my stomach while i'm reading and will calm down. i think i gave her too big of a doggie treat earlier and she nearly choked on it. a future situation of having to tell my grandmother that i played a part in the death of her antique dog made me panic for a second, but she eventually got it down. she follows me everywhere. i want to slip her a zanax, but i don't think that'd fly.

today seems like it could go both ways: either plummet horribly or pleasantly float away. nice to meet you, welcome to my life.

elvis + a mummy = bad idea

i went to grand rapids yesterday. hung out with an old friend, charles, and got re-aquainted. now i'm a bit sad i don't get to spend more time with him before i move. he's pretty much the cat's pajamas. i lent him some books, so he let me take his dane cook cd for the ride back to dryden. i was the crazy girl laughing her ass off alone in her car all the way home. it was great.

going out to eat with my mum and then to the fair tonight with ashley. i promised her i'd ride all the rides. not sure what i got myself into. i vaguely remember becoming ill the last time i rode the zipper.

couldn't do it

after seeing this picture, i combed my dreads out. i missed my pretty hair too much. they felt all gross and my hair has always been very silky. i just couldn't do it. so after 2 hours of combing and an entire bottle of conditioner, my normal head of hair is back.

knatty

so the dreads are done. they are messy still and gross feeling, but in a couple of weeks they should start maturing nicely. ash dropped me off at the bookstore earlier and i passed out in the checkout line. a lady called 911, but i didn't have to go in the ambulance. we're not sure why it happened, but i think it might be a bad reaction to the meds i'm on for my infection. scared the shit out of me. i came home and knitted myself a sweet headband [see above].

still owweey

people who get all philosophical and shit about body piercing and go on and on about how wonderful the feeling of metal is as it enters your skin are fucking NUTS! i'm swollen and pussy and my mouth is confused so it's overproducing saliva which is giving me a 24/7 stomach ache.

i'm down with the whole post-heal piercing experience. i developed an unexplainable adoration for my old tongue piercing. but right now, this whole world of body modification is sucking something awful.

re-coop day

i'm making myself mac 'n cheese because yesterday i got spikes stuck through both my tongue and lip and today i was diagnosed with bladder, urinary tract, and kidney infections. i've probably had the bladder infection for multiple months now and that's what has been causing my back pain. i'm a walking owwey. the doctor gave me a pill that turned my pee bright orange.

rascist christians make me want to drop kick someone.

owwweyyy

got my tongue re-pierced and my lip done today. i know i'll be happy about it once they heal, but right now i feel like i bit through my tongue and someone punched me in the mouth. he couldn't stretch the hole, so he had to pierce it through the scar tissue. i don't recommend doing this, just keep the bitch in if you aren't sure. it hurt as much as the first time, but x9087234098432, and it went slower because it kept catching on clumps of scar. ash said i made a really horrible face. now my lip and my tongue are swollen, so i sound ridiculous. if anyone needs cheering up, they should call me for a good laugh.

everyone who knows me well knows that i'm really phobic about looking manly/butch. this is probably due to being plump and having pcos. because of this i get carried away with plucking my eyebrows. i went a little overboard last time and i kind of look surprised all the time now. amy, who has her degree in skin care, told me that i should grow them out and that she'd shape them before i move so they look natural. so now that's what i'm doing. if you see me within the next couple weeks i should look pretty beastly: bushy eyebrows and a swollen lip + tongue.

august

well it's finally august...the month i leave michigan behind and start over. kind of starting to get a little nervous, but excited too.

i have another chiro appt. today and i have to get to lapeer to return movies. i'm horrible at that. i need netflix. i rented 8 below and watched it twice. i can't wait until i can have my own pet-friendly place so i can get a husky. they are the most beautiful animals. i've wanted one since i was little. i also wish i could go to antartica or even just vancouver. it looks so beautiful there. i'm not sure if i could endure the cold though. i'm fragile.

finally got to see brendan, though it took some coaxing. i'd missed him. he makes me laugh. spent the night at his place in grand rapids with ash and joey. his roommate is more pompous than he is, which i didn't know was possible. i know i'm a hippie and i like the way i dress. it's just an irritant for someone to constantly be critiquing me. especially someone who obviously has no creativity and conforms to social norms.

i've realized that i avoid confrontation like the plague. i stand up for myself occasionally, but mostly i just ignore it. it'd be worse if i sat around feeling bad about it, but i usually know i'm the better person and just let it go. or i apologize for something that i don't really feel sorry for because i just want the problem to be over with and move on. i see no point in fighting or arguing. this method has always seemed like the mature route to me. now i'm starting to think that i'm degrading myself by letting people walk all over me. i also think that all the anger that builds up, even if it's subconsiously, may mount to the breaking point, which isn't healthy. i got so angry with my parents the other night that i just freaked out. screamed so loud that my voice cracked and everyone just sat there staring at me. i was right though and they got the point, but i think if i had said something earlier than i wouldn't have had to spaz the way i did.

i hate humidity. weather.com says it's 91, but feels like 101. ew. i'm heading to rochester this evening to spend some time with amy and bores. i haven't seen either of them in too long and it should be fun. amy's cooking dinner, we'll drink wine, and possibly hit the pool. i'm looking forward to it.

surface love is the worst kind of arrogance

update

went to the chiropractor today and my backs all fucked up from all the reading, writing, and sitting i do. they do some strange stuff to you, but it felt good. now i'm sore and she said tomorrow i'll feel like i spent hours at the gym. she was a really nice young doctor. fun to talk to and she explained everything really well.

i've decided to dread my hair. anna's going to do it as soon as my kit comes in. probably next week or the week after. i'm going to get some bandanas, so hopefully i won't have a problem getting work in chicago because of it. i also plan on getting my tongue repierced. the guy at tribal said he should be able to just stretch the hole out since i had it for so long, but for some reason that sounded worse than just getting it pierced again. i don't know when i'll get that done. depends on the money.

elise

photo by kevin

children in millenium park [7.25.06]

Chicago

the front of my new place...

i'm your puppet

today's ash's graduation party. i finished her scrapbook last night and i'm pretty pleased with it. i have a knack for those sort of things, i guess. i hope people actually look at it 'cause it took me a lot of time and neck pain to put that thing together.

i'm not tired, but i have to wake up early to make the rice noodles for my dish and help set up. i'm also having a hard time putting down my new book, the world according to garp by john irving. he's definitely won me over. i'm now itching to devour all his books.

elise talked me in to riding that stupid bull in a skirt. anna promised me that no one got a glimpse of my nether regions, but i still felt silly. elise went down first and i fell right on her. i gave anna my license and money before i got up there and forgot them. i'm going to have to illegally transport myself over to her place on sunday and retreive them. my crotch hurts from grinding up against my hand that was gripping the strap on the bull's neck. having your vagina be sore for reasons other than sex isn't amusing.

today i felt quiet and content and everyone kept asking me what was wrong.

gregory and the hawk

summer reading

finished:

the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera
lolita by nabakov
invitation to a beheading by nabakov
a prayer for owen meany by john irving
sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs by chuck klosterman
killing yourself to live by chuck klosterman
love in the time of cholera by gabriel garcia marquez
junkie by william s. burroughs
off the map from crimethInc
naked lunch by william s. burroughs
a heartbreaking work of staggering genius by dave eggers
1984 by orwell
diary by chuck palahniuk
the seven story mountain by thomas merton
the world according to garp by john irving

in progress:

metamorphosis by franz kafka

a bit longer than originally intended

a prayer for owen meany by john irving was a fantastic read. i actually cried at the end. i could relate to a lot of the opinions on religion in the novel.

so many people think that it's easier to just believe in god, believe that everything happens for a reason. that to have faith in something bigger is to be weak, reliant on something/someone else for happiness and comfort rather than on oneself. i don't agree with this at all. to figure out what you believe in based on life and what's inside you is fucking hard. i know a lot of people just say that they believe...and really they believe in nothing. it's just something they were taught...a sort of default acceptance from their upbringing. they try to be honest, good people cause that is what they are supposed to do. i try to be an honest, good, loving person because i know it's the right thing. it's inside me...it's natural...i believe i was made like this. my parents are good people. i'm not saying that they had nothing to do with the way i turned out, but i do believe i did have the choice and sustained the influence of american society towards the negative that everyone else did. i think the majority of people make a choice. there are, of course, acceptions.

i wasn't raised in a religious household. my father calls himself a jew and my mother was raised catholic. it doesn't take a genius to figure out they don't really practice much. it does erase the difficulty of deciding whose family to spend the holidays with though. i don't really feel that i am religious. a more appropriate term in my mind would be spiritual. i connect that term to organized religion, which i have lost faith in over the years. why is it that if someone believes that jesus was the son of god that they must label themselves? and as a quick tangent question...why are their so many christian denominations? wait...i know this one...because man had disagreements and made shit up. i think most people would be confused if i said i believed in jesus but i don't want to label myself a christian. many christians would take it as an insult or approach me negatively. i have come in contact with too many fake people of every religious background to have much faith in the church, ect. i have no problem with people that are highly involved in a specific church, it is simply just not for me. i disagree with too many rules and ideas with each christian denomination to feel comfortable with labeling myself a christian. the word comes with too much baggage (for lack of a better term at the moment). i think it lies within the individual to figure out what they believe in. too many people are programmed and don't explore themselves enough to make a choice. i have more admiration for an atheist who has come to the decision through personal experience than i do for someone who just accepts their religious upbringing.

i make no assumptions about people who do label themselves. each individual is different, therefore each belief/faith/whatever varies. it really bothers me when people have preconceived notions of who a person is by what religion/denomination they say they are. if you don't know the person (and even if you do), don't make assumptions about a label. ask questions. spirituality and faith are interesting topics that will never be exhausted for me. i simply love learning about other people and how they understand and interpret things, what their personal experiences have brought them and what research, if any, they have done to have become who they are. when in a considerably fiesty mood i can talk for hours with people about their beliefs.

people should be less scared and more interested in looking into the hearts of others and discovering new things. so much of humanity is closed off to the unknown. we have such a lack of imagination and faith in what we cannot see and touch when the majority of us have not seen or touched most of what we have rockhard belief in. such a large amount of information that we digest immediately as factual we have not experienced first hand. i refuse to limit myself to what i have seen with my own two eyes because i cannot possibly see and experience everything i wish to in this lifetime. human beings are dishonest and exaggerate. it is in their nature. so i also refuse to believe in everything someone on the television or in the newspaper tells me is truth. creationalism or evolution? don't ask me that...i have no fucking clue. and unless you were there when the whole "beginning-of-the-world" thing happened, you don't either. what my mind and body tells me is truly important for my life is what i will choose to explore and i will try to approach it with a completely open mind and open arms. i will slowly learn truths and falsities throughout my life and hopefully affect each situation, each experience positively. contribute light to darkness, hope to sadness, and be the prompt of many smiles and much laughter.